Chapter 5: Mean Woman Blues

Rubbernecking

Chapter 5

Mean Woman Blues

**

We were almost to the entrance of the bar adjoining the ‘Viva Lounge’ when Sookie paused.

She was still feathering her fingers through her hair. “The scent will dissipate…”

“I don’t think I want it to.” No. No, I was sure of that.

She grinned. “I’m going to have a few drinks to knock it down a little. My mom smells like my dad because they still go at it like teenagers. Daddy and Aunt Linda all smell much stronger than I do because they’re one branch closer . Pam will cheek an orange rind to keep herself from getting too spun up… They’re all huggers, so don’t breathe.”

I growled, “How many more hugs?”

She snickered and waved her hands. “Sorry. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a Vampire your age whine.”

“I wasn’t whining… How many hugs?”

She bit her lip when she almost laughed again. “Just three. Two pretty blondes and a guy hug. Daddy’s just happy to finally meet you. He won’t push the hug into ‘creepy uncle’ range like Bubba did.” That was a good way to describe it.

“Why can’t I just refuse?”

Sookie raised an eyebrow. “Because you want to get along with Pam’s in-laws, don’t you? You wouldn’t want her to think you disapprove…”

“Guilt? Again? I’d like to think we’re ‘getting along’… You know better than to randomly hug Vampires.”

Sookie giggled, “They do too, but you aren’t a random Vampire. You’re family to them.”

“Not as far as you’re concerned though.”

She snorted, “You’re trying to bait me into hugging you.” And?

I shrugged. “Perhaps.”

She studied me for a moment before she offered, “If I hug you, will you reciprocate the hugs from my parents and aunt?”

“We’re negotiating?”

She nodded and raised her eyebrows. “Yep.”

“You’re offering one hug in exchange for three… You’ll hug me and dance with me, and in turn, I’ll do my best to reciprocate the hugs from your parents and aunt.”

“Nice try. You want the hug from me. I’m the one with the chips.”

“You want me to hug your family members. I have chips of my own.”

She turned and walked away, explaining, “Not really. You have to suck it up and take the hugs anyway because you just patched things up with Pam and don’t want her to worry that you object to the company she’s keeping. Good luck.”

“If that were the case, then why offer to negotiate in the first place?”

“Buffering. I figured if you had a little buzz from the whiff you stole while you were hugging me, you’d be more compliant.”

I grabbed her arm to turn her around, surprised I’d lost ground in a negotiation. “Fine. One hug for three.”

“Too late. You were greedy.”

“I was not…”

You were. A hug, even a lingering hug, still lasts less than 30 seconds. You were trying to option for roughly eight hugs, depending on the length of the song you chose to dance to, and the subsequent physical contact in addition to one actual hug. Nine hugs for the price of three. You wanted a 300% markup for your hugs, buddy. I’m sorry. That isn’t supply and demand. That’s gouging. Greed.”

When she began walking away again, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to laugh or pull something apart. I’d never walked away from a negotiation empty-handed. I didn’t give a fuck that it was my fault either. I wanted my fucking hug.

“Do you intend to withhold hugs from me ad infinitum?”

She stopped, giggled, and then turned around. “I’ll tell you what… I’ll have mercy on you since you seem to want a hug from me so badly, and you aren’t very good at negotiating… Your diplomatic efforts will be rewarded on a discretionary scale of my choosing. If I think you’ve earned a hug, I’ll hug you. If I think you’ve earned a dance, I’ll ask you to dance.”

“If I’m a ‘good boy’, you’ll give me a ‘treat’?” I didn’t want to think about how depraved it was that part (most) of me was fine with the concept of being treated like a pet just to be close enough to smell her.

“You could look at it like that or you could begin thinking about how much you want out of your evening and formulate a plan to achieve your goals.” Fuck. I was getting hard before my mind could decide what my goals were.

“Are you offering a good faith gesture?”

She raised her eyebrow and studied me carefully. “Why would I do that? Your fangs already ache and you’re getting hard.” And somefuckinghow her refusal was making her more of a temptation… Fucking Faeries.

**

As we walked into the nearly empty bar, someone whistled to get Sookie’s attention…

A large man with curly black hair was leaning back in a chair with his legs stretched out, using one hand to juggle a pair of cell phones.

Sookie ran towards him, laughing, “With hands like that, how are you single!?”

She easily caught one of the phones being juggled and kissed his cheek while he answered, “Because I can’t convince you to marry me… Bran told me you and Jason were having some technical difficulties so I stopped by and flashed the frequent flyer card at Cells R Us.”

While she toyed with her replacement phone, she giggled and wiggled the fingers of her left hand. “Sorry. I’m married… Thanks for the…”

He shook his head and chuckled, “You actually did it…”

“Bet your pretty ass, I did. Last night was killer… And I’m completely prepared to show off our wedding pictures to sell it.”

“That’s just wrong.”

Sookie giggled, “You looked so handsome in your tux…”

“And you nearly killed me for getting icing in your hair. We’re so romantic.”

“That’s us… Alcide… Have you met Eric Northman?”

As he stood and offered his hand, he said, “Yeah? Pam’s Maker, huh? Nice to finally meet you. Alcide Herveaux, step-cousin. You’re lucky you got here early so you get one intro at a time… Just me and Jude… he’ll be right back, but since you already know him… small doses.”

I nodded, considered ‘how much’ I wanted out of my evening, and opted to continue polite conversation. “I wouldn’t say I know Jupiter… the last time I laid eyes on him, he had a cowlick and he was preoccupied by a missing ‘dum-fuck’. Dump truck.”

Alcide chuckled, “Nothing else?  I can’t think of a way to work dum-fuck into conversation.”

“He went through a phase where he preferred trees to toilets. His mother was mortified.”

Alcide’s eyes lit up. “Oh! That’ll do it. Thanks.”

Sookie shook her head to disagree. “Ah ah’ahhhh… you don’t want to go there, Alcide. Dogs pee outside.”

Alcide spun around. “You think he’d go there?”

Sookie snorted, “He had you convinced he’s allergic to dogs.”

“He gave himself hives and shot himself with an epi-pen! How was I supposed to know!?” I was sorry I missed that.

Sookie shrugged and stood, turning to walk behind the bar and shoo the bartender away for his break. “Sucks to be you, cuz… Shots or shooters?”

He growled at her, but he still followed to stand at the bar across from her. “Shots… What about Pam? Got any dirt on her?”

I shook my head. “No dirt. Pam’s never made a mistake or done anything she could be teased for since I turned her.” Sookie laughed while she covered the bar with shot glasses.

Alcide shook his head and snorted. “Sook, he needs water to put his pants out.”

“He does not… He gets loyalty points. It’s not like they’re just cousins. He wouldn’t be willing to divulge that Pam did something as epic as get really drunk and…”

Before she could finish, the Wolf lunged to reach over the bar and cover her mouth. “Bitch! You wanna play like that… Fine… Sookie dyed her hair black because she got sick of dumb blonde jokes.”

“Since she’s anything but stupid, I can understand why she’d be annoyed.” That better be worth a hug.

“She had this boyfriend, right… he gives her an address and tells her to meet him there for a surprise…” When he paused for ‘dramatic affect’ Sookie rolled her eyes and reached for a bottle of tequila to begin filling the shot glasses as though his hand wasn’t over her mouth. “She shows up dressed like a call girl. Tiny dress and no underwear. Turns out, he wanted to introduce her to his parents.”

She was as blasé as I was by the story and mumbled, “Is that the best you’ve got?” into his hand.

“You gave my sister blow job advice and didn’t realize our Dad was in earshot.”

She raised an eyebrow and tilted her head as she mumbled, “Okay. That was bad, but not embarrassing.”

“It was for Janice!”

Sookie lifted her chin to free her mouth. “Only because she was shy. It was bad because poor Uncle Jack was forced out of his ‘innocent-baby-girl happy place’. She was 20 for God’s sake. It’s not like I was giving hummer advice to a tween. Besides… Nate doesn’t have any complaints. She was a very good student…” Fuck the hug. How nice did I have to be to get a blow job?

Alcide reached across the bar to snatch a lemon from the garnish tray and shoved it into Sookie’s mouth, growling, “Fucking Faerie.”

I couldn’t help myself. All I could do was hope Sookie would assume I was helping her torment her cousin. “What information did his sister find most helpful?”

The evil glint in her eye as she pulled the rind from her mouth (without the pulp) was almost enough of an answer. “Apples.”

“Not bananas?”

“Bananas are only good for testing a gag reflex. Nope. You need Great. Big. Apples… Open your mouth as wide as you can and sink your teeth in.” Too perfect.

I sat on the barstool next to Alcide and pressed. “How does that help?”

“Two ways. 1- It helps loosen up the musculature in the jaw so it can open wider…”

She bit her lip and began rummaging around behind the bar once Alcide covered his ears and hummed while he paced to avoid the topic.

She whispered, “He can’t hear us, but he’s going to peek over once in a while to see if I’m done trying to fill his head with his kid sister’s sex life…” She pulled a large green apple from the cooler and returned to full voice to explain, “And 2- Another important part of any blow job is suction, so sealing your lips around the apple is vital. You know you’re screwing it up if you end up with drool running over your chin or, worse, if you end up with a chunk of apple breaking off.”

Just in time for Alcide to turn around, Sookie demonstrated by opening her mouth wider than I would have thought she could and sinking her teeth in.

He whined, “Props, Sookie? Really?” without taking his hands away from his ears.

Her laughter was muffled by the apple.

“So for the sake of his torment, are any other fruits introduced to the students in Blow Jobs 101?”

Alcide shouted, “Oh, come on! I heard that!

Fuck him. I couldn’t have been more rapt.

The sudden chuckling coming from the entry to the bar had enough of my attention that I glanced back. Brandon was amused, only further upsetting their cousin.

He claimed the barstool his cousin had vacated and quickly drank two shots before asking, “You know if there’s nectarines back there, he’ll shit, right?”

Sookie shook her head ruefully.

“No plums, peaches or…?”

She shook her head again.

“Use a cherry. Just to get him going.”

Alcide grumbled, “Asshole. I called you for backup. I shoulda known you’d turn on me.”

Brandon pulled out his phone to begin texting and without looking back, he snorted, “I’m not turning on you, princess. I’m having fun with the irony that you run around naked at least one night every month and get your rough tangled over the idea that your adult sister enjoys naked time of her own.” Very good point.

“Dick.”

Sookie removed the apple from her mouth and paused long enough for her cousin to look over again. She held her hand up to prove four fingers fit in the gap between her tooth marks. He growled and paced further away.

She giggled, “He’s so uptight sometimes,” and popped a maraschino cherry into her mouth.

I directed my question to Brandon since I was too anxious to see what Sookie was going to do to the cherry to interrupt her. “Why is it that you aren’t bothered by your sister’s techniques?”

“Generally speaking, I’m numb to it. People think about fucking about as much as anything else… Specifically, I think most guys with a functioning dick would agree they’d do damn near anything for a proper blow job. Sookie and I are the same age, so her dating pool was the same as my friend pool, and vice versa. Even if I thought about that kind of thing in the middle of a hummer, I’d rather think the girl got a few tips from a friend than wonder how many other cocks she sucked as practice.”

“Fair enough… You said you’re the same age. Twins or just close in age?” Alcide finally sensed the coast was clear (or so he thought) and joined us at the bar to quietly drink a couple of shots.

“Irish twins is when the kids are about a year apart… Country twins is when you’ve got two women knocked up at the same time. I’m four months older…”

Sookie carefully removed the cherry peel from her mouth. The pulp was fucking gone. Not a bit of meat was left… Sookie had worked the cherry with her tongue until the skin was essentially red paper.

Alcide might have cringed, but there was no guarantee I’d ever see a cherry again and think of anything but Sookie’s mouth. Fuck. Fucking Faerie.

Sookie picked up the story her brother left off, “My mother, Michelle, was a raging bitch. She tossed my dad out. Filed for separation. Didn’t want anything to do with him until she found out he was dating Brandon’s mother, Julie. So begins the fuckery…”

Brandon added, “Because with Mom in the picture, Michelle’s wake-up call for Dad turned into a real separation.”

Sookie nodded and continued, “Knowing that my father wouldn’t turn his back on two year old Jason, Michelle tells Daddy she wants him back. A few months go by and Daddy’s still pining away for Julie, so he goes to Gran for advice. Daddy listens to his very wise Momma and goes to see a lawyer about divorcing Michelle and getting visitation of Jason so Michelle can’t hold that over his head. It’s six months later and guess who was leaving her OB appointment next to the lawyer’s office…”

Brandon added, “When they tell the story, Sookie and I can see the ‘oops’ look on Mom’s face… Jas and Hadley can practically feel Dad’s heart stop.”

Sookie nodded again. “He never would have gone back to Michelle if he knew about Brandon… Julie and Daddy talk and he finds out that Michelle tracked Julie down and told her to back off because she was pregnant, which she wasn’t…”

Brandon added, “And when Mom did the ‘right thing’ and cut Dad loose, she didn’t know she was already preggo para mi.”

Sookie continued, “Daddy goes home, waits for Michelle to run to the store, packs up Jason and moves in with Gran while he looks for a place for him and Julie to move into. He left Michelle a note to contact his lawyer. Of course, Michelle flips her shit. ‘I’m pregnant. You can’t leave me.’ Blah blah blah… Who the fuck believes her?”

Brandon grumbled, “You forgot the guilt trip she tried to give him about knocking up ‘some whore’ even though she kicked him out.”

Sookie snorted, “I know, right… Michelle moves out to Monroe to stay with her parents and no one in Bon Temps knew that she wasn’t full of shit about being pregnant that time until State Police called Daddy. I was two months old when Michelle took me to a bar with her and drove home with me asleep on the floorboards…”

Alcide snorted, “Mom of the year,” and drank another shot of tequila with Sookie.

“If Michelle hadn’t been too drunk to work the straps on my car-seat, I would’ve died with her because she veered off the road and smashed into the lumber yard. Closed casket. The end. Julie raised all of us…”

Brandon interjected, chuckling, “Jason’s her favorite.”

Sookie nodded. “That’s because Jason’s a romantic and we’re cynics by nature.”

“It doesn’t help that Jason was the good one because he didn’t want to disappoint our folks.”

Sookie snorted, “And wanted everything they wanted… so there you have it. The Stackhouses in a nutshell.” A tag teamed barrage of information, but perfectly synced.

“And… the Herveauxs in a nutshell would be…”

“Aunt Linda’s dirtbag husband walked out. Jack’s beloved wife passed from cancer. We were all away at school when they met. We met our new cousins when we came home for Thanksgiving. They got married the next summer when we were all home from school. We’ve been thick as thieves since we met…”

Brandon added, “It helps that we’re all off the grid as far as Humans go. We all had a common ground.” Another seamless remark added to his sister’s story.

Alcide offered, “And it helped that my father was eat-a-bullet miserable after my mom died… He didn’t even have to tell me Linda’s good to him. I could hear how happy he was when he called. Janice too.”

“And since you all met while you were university aged, your cousin finds it acceptable to make jokes about coupling with you while maintaining that his sister’s talents with a cock are an abomination, yes?”

While Sookie and Brandon laughed, Alcide growled, “You’re new here…”

Sookie shook her head and corrected him. “Technically, he was here first. He had the casino built and Pam just took it over when he left the Area.”

Alcide’s face puckered enough to make him look like a rat when he hissed, “Fuck.”

A woman giggled behind us, “Alcide, you’d better watch that mouth of yours or Gran’s going to whack your head all night.”

He bolted from his seat to run towards the entrance of the bar and hug the woman before moving behind her as though he was hiding. He whispered into the woman’s ear, “Lin, they’re ganging up on me. Sookie’s giving blow job lessons.”

Without missing a beat, the woman snorted, “Yeah? You any good yet?” Fucking perfect. Whoever Lin was, I liked her already.

Since the rest of us were laughing, Alcide stormed out grumbling about finding allies.

Brandon chuckled, “Aunt Lin, have you met Pam’s… old man yet?” Old man? That was one way to put it. Not that the only four customers in the bar would notice if he’d said Maker since they were either drunk, on cell phones, or both.

I braced myself for a hug and turned around to see the woman offering her hand.

Linda chuckled as I shook her hand. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Northman.”

“Eric…”

Sookie laughed, “Finally! I’ve introduced you to enough people… I was starting to think you wanted to be called ‘Eric Northman’.” After what Sookie did to that cherry, she was free to call me whatever the fuck she wanted.

I shook my head, only then realizing they’d all been referring to me as ‘The Maker’. “Eric is fine.”

Alcide returned with his allies, Jupiter and Hadley, just in time for Jupiter to hear me say I preferred ‘Eric’ to ‘Majesty’, but he still tried to say it as he shook my hand. Sookie might have been the only one Pam told about my station, but Jupiter had been at university when his father accepted the position of my Lord President of the Council.

I’d only just had the chance to make the joke that it was a very good thing Jupiter’s mother was beautiful to compensate for Felix’s genes, when Sookie growled ‘ahhhhhshit’.

**

As she ran from the bar, Brandon offered, “There’s a fight brewing backstage.”

Alcide shook his head. “Hope Bubba fucks ‘em up at this point. I’ll help him hide the bodies.”

Linda grumbled, “No kidding. Assholes like that only learn anything from a shallow grave. Any clues, Bran?”

“It started out as, ‘I was fuckin’ this bitch last night… this way and that… she kept screamin’ oh daddy, oh daddy, you’re the best…’ Phony Bishop gave Fake the set up and asked who the girl was… Fake said…”

Alcide interrupted, growling, “Mother fucker,” as he left the bar to follow Sookie’s trail.

Everyone else seemed to know what the fuck was going on, so I had to ask, “Who did the fake say he was fucking?”

“Lisa Marie… Prick thinks it’s hilarious Bubba takes Elvis jokes personally.”

I shook my head and followed Alcide before he left my line of sight… If Bubba needed to be restrained at all, Alcide couldn’t do it.

When I opened the door to the hallway, Alcide turned around. “It’s gotta be hard enough that he saw her grow up on the cover of gossip rags, but that shit ain’t cool.”

“I’m not arguing, but one punch is all it will take before someone is hiding a body.”

“Sook doesn’t hit that hard…”

“I meant Bubba.”

He was chuckling when we heard the sounds of a fight starting… furniture being knocked over and shouting…

Specifically, a man shouted, “Crazy bitch!”

Alcide broke into a sprint and sighed, “It isn’t Bubba I’m worried about…”

When Alcide shoved open the dressing room door, Adele was standing behind Bubba with her hands on his arms… He was protecting her from the fray rather than take part in it.

The other inhabitants of the room were five men in double breasted suits…

The only one of the ‘Rat Pack’ who wasn’t still wearing a fedora was on the floor… pinned under a table… because Sookie was kneeling on it. Alcide and I both snorted at the scene. The man under the table should have been embarrassed to have been bested by someone half his size.

She slapped him hard enough to have stung my face, then she straightened her tube top with a ferocious look on her face and snarled, “What part of ‘shut the fuck up because you were hired to sing’ confused you?”

“Get off me! I’ll sue!” He’d have to remember to do that.

“You’ll think about it. My underwear costs more than the cheap suit you’re wearing. I doubt you can afford a lawyer like mine.”

“You hit an employee!”

“I fired a contemptuous, shit-stirring asshole. Then I hit him. With witnesses. When I get up, you’re going to pack your shit and get in your Fiero and Go. The. Fuck. Home.

“You need us!”

“No I don’t. You suck. I wouldn’t put up with your shit anymore even if you could sing… Dean, Sammy, The Palace would like to extend your performance contract to you as a duet.” Fucking beautiful… she was negotiating a contract while on top of a fresh victim.

‘Dean’ and ‘Sammy’ traded looks before ‘Dean’ offered, “We don’t have a full set.”

Peter Lawford or Joey Bishop (who cared which?) complained, “What about us!?

Sookie snorted, “What about you? Bishop and Lawford were tagalongs. If Sinatra or Martin weren’t on the marquee, no one bought tickets. Hell, marrying a Kennedy didn’t even help Lawford… You’re only necessary for a Rat Pack act, even then only as scenery. Martin and Davis don’t need the baggage…” That was a short-lived debate. One of them was close to tears as Sookie continued, “Dean, Sammy, tonight you can do an amended set. The skits between songs and three songs each instead of the one solo your ‘leader’ arranged. Y’all can work out the kinks for a full set this week.”

‘Sammy’ shrugged and offered, “Same rate?”

Sookie giggled, “No… I’ll add 15% since I won’t have to sit through High Hopes.” She punctuated her statement by flicking Sinatra’s nose.

“20%.”

“10%.” Beautiful tactic… as long as she wasn’t using it on me… again.

“You said 15% though.”

And you would’ve been happy with the same rate since you’re only splitting it in half instead of five ways. Moving on… I’m sure you’ve figured out by now that you’re expected to play nice with the other performers. Am I making myself clear?” Crystal… Bubba looked like he was on the verge of chanting nanny-nanny boo-boo.

Dean and Sammy nodded and offered, “Yes Miss Stackhouse. Thank you.”

Sookie smiled and leaned forward to gloat mere inches from Sinatra’s face. “Poor replaceable you… Would you like a job delivering singing telegrams?”

He shoved the edge of the table and grunted, “Get the fuck off me, you crazy bitch.”

Sookie shrugged and stood up, walking off of the table as though there wasn’t a man squirming under it.

She watched with her arms folded, letting him roll out from under the table and collect a bag from a chair. Alcide and I had just stepped out of his way when Sookie smirked and tapped his shoulder.

When he turned around, she leaned close enough to breathe, “The funny part is that you couldn’t get it up even if you could get the attention of someone as beautiful as Lisa Marie. Enjoy unemployment.” Because her remark wasn’t cutting enough, she shoved him through the door.

Insult to injury…

A woman after my own heart.

**

Sookie straightened her tube top again and sighed, “Sorry you didn’t get to give him that whoopin’, Bubba. You’d have hurt him too much.”

Given the smile on his face, I didn’t think the apology was necessary. He crooned, “My Way’s mine again.”

Perpetually a moron.

Alcide shook his head and snorted, “Way to stay focused, peckerhead… Did you do anything that needs to be washed?”

Bubba was still grinning from ear to ear. “Naw. I b’haved…”

Adele chided, “He behaved much better than Sookie… Little girl…”

Sookie rolled her eyes, “It was business, Gran. I didn’t say fuck during Sunday Supper. Sorry, but I didn’t think ‘gosh-durn it’ would cut it. I have an image…”

“For having a potty-mouth.” No… no, I was pretty sure I could imagine a lot of things to compare her mouth to… ‘potty’ wasn’t one of them.

Sookie corrected, “For not letting guys like that think they can blow me off… I know what I’m doing.”

When Sookie bent over to grab the table she’d flipped, her grandmother stormed out… Bubba followed, and Alcide growled as he went after them to ‘smooth shit over’…

Once the table had been righted, Sookie squatted down to pick up the array of flyers and water bottles she’d scattered.

“She’ll get over it. She doesn’t approve of ‘trash talk’. Never has. She reads us all the riot act when we cuss… If you want to have some real fun, set Pam up to want to say something dirty. She won’t do it. It looks like she’s in pain to hold it in.”

“That’ll be fun. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen Pam resist that kind of temptation.”

“Speaking of temptation… did you think coming to my rescue would earn a hug?”

“I thought I might have earned one already by helping you torment your cousin… I followed Alcide knowing you’d need more muscle if Bubba needed to be restrained.”

“I’m surprised he didn’t need to be held down. That asshole was going on and on about Lisa Marie… it’s just a game to him because Bubba’s ‘just an impersonator’…” She stood up and set her armful on the table, then adjusted her jeans and top. “Alright… I guess you’ve earned yourself two hugs. How do you want them?”

“Naked.”

She laughed, “I was asking if you wanted them both now or if you wanted to space them out.”

“Fine. Can we start running a tab? If I earn eight hugs, can I trade those for a naked dance? What’s the exchange rate for blow jobs?”

She shook her head and giggled, “You need to stop flirting with me.” That wasn’t flirting. Flirting involved innuendo… I was serious.

“Why is that?”

“Because you only started now that you caught a whiff of my scent…”

I interrupted, “I beg to differ… You have no idea how annoyed I was when I thought you belonged to Pam.”

Her eyebrow twitched. “Oh really? Bros before hos?

I nodded. “Something like that.”

“Ah, but that confusion was fixed…”

“Only to make way for other issues. Someone, and I’m not pointing fingers, told me there was something more important than fucking to think about.”

She poked her bottom lip out and jokingly whimpered, “You had to stop thinking with your dick to think about feelings.”

I shook my head. “It was a very rude interruption, Sookie.” As I stepped towards her slowly, she stepped back… matching each pace… cat and mouse…

“I should be ashamed of myself.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. I forgive you now that I’m back on schedule.”

She breathed, “Oh, thank God… So if you were interested before you smelled me, what got your attention?” I was being tested?

I can’t remember… the way you handled Bubba, maybe the way you smirked at me in the elevator, perhaps the fact that you know who the fuck Thackeray is.”

She seemed unaffected by reaching the wall even though I continued to close the gap until I was looming over her… and resisting the temptation to take in her scent.

She purred, “We still have a problem.”

“I’m not sure how you squeezed into those jeans, but getting them off won’t be a problem.”

She smirked and licked her lips. “No doubt… you’d still have a bros before hos issue though.”

“How is that?”

“I’m not sure Pam would be okay with her Maker fucking her best friend.” It didn’t escape me that she wasn’t rejecting the idea.

“I doubt she’ll mind. You need dick, after all.”

“Sure, but she didn’t volunteer yours.”

I growled, “I’m not in the mood to think about feelings any longer.”

She sighed, “Then talk to Pam so you can go back to thinking with your dick.”

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45 thoughts on “Chapter 5: Mean Woman Blues

  1. These two are so great together…I can’t wait to see them actually come together in some form of a relationship:)

  2. Freaking fabulous. I can’t wait to see where you take these two. Don’t worry, I have a modicum of patience, so I can wait. There will probably be a whole lot of twitching and shakes from withdrawal, but I’ll put on my big girl panties! Thank you so much for sharing!! Love this story!!

    • Totally agree….except for the patience part *twitch twitch*. Can’t wait for more. Is there an antidote for multiverse withdrawal syndrome?

  3. Poor Eric… Sook is just kicking his ass verbally… How can he be expected to think straight with all his blood in his hardon though

  4. I just love the back and fourth between them. It’s playfull yet not quite flirty. l can’t wait for more.

  5. Eric has finally met his match…he may be blue ballin’ it but he’s loving it 😀 haha

    C’mon, Eric has to know that Pam wouldn’t a problem with him & Sookie. One, why would she have a problem with her Maker & BFF? She loves them both – no problem. Two, everyone knows that if she didn’t have Jason, she would be tring to tap Sookie every chance she got! Lawyered!!

  6. Yay!! I love the family dynamic on this version (is it a skip since we haven’t seen any evidence of a skip yet?). I almost would like to see a version where Michelle wasn’t a crazy twat, but I guess some things are constant like Gran being awesome and Michelle being a twat. And I could do a happy dance about the flirting!! FINALLY!! Ok, so he’s only been in town for 2 nights, but with all the drama it seems like SO much longer.

  7. Talk about prolonged foreplay..every word, every action takes them closer to the inevitable. Love this, so smart and funny.

  8. Couldn’t wait up for this chapter last night but what a great way to wake up! I can’t wait for them to stop flirting. I too want to see them in a relationship. I hope Pam doesn’t give a hard time.

  9. Great chapter! I love the banter! This should be interesting Eric talking to Pam about Sookie. Pam knows both of them so well… This Sookie is definately more worldly. And Eric’s thoughts aren’t exactly pure & full of good intentions…

  10. That was great! I loved Sookie’s blow job demo with the apple, LOL and I really loved Eric’s response to it.

  11. loved it Eric and Sookie have a great repore they work off of each other flawlessly. But the sexual tension is heating up for both of them and i can’t wait to see it explode. Alcide is a hoot hidining behind Linda. Looking forward to seeing how Eric takes to the rest of the introductions to the family and his talk with Pam about Sookie… until you update agaim Kristie

  12. Love the flirting! And that Sookie is clearly very open to the same ideas Eric is having. 😀 Now hopefully he’ll get the okay from Pam soon. THAT will surely be an interesting conversation!

  13. LOVE this Sookie! She is constantly teasing, then cockblocking Eric. ‘Talk to Pam about her feelings….Talk to Pam about wanting to fuck me.’ Blah Blah. LOL. Can’t wait for more of this ‘verse! You’re the awesomest!

  14. Now a tough, trash talking, blow job lesson giving, knows her shit Sookie is gonna be a whole new ballgame when she gets together with Eric. No shy little girl here, like Sookie from In the Dark on steroids…and maybe viagra

  15. I love me some kick ass Sookie. It looks like Eric does too. I am glad the Michele/Julie question was answered. I love that Corbett did leave his wife for Julie. I am glad that he got to get Sookie when she was only 2 monhs old. I wondered what was going thru Julie;s mind when Corbet came home with a 2 month old when she had a 6 month old baby to take care of. Maybe you can incorperated that in one of the chapters.

  16. Lol..you are such a tease, I love it! I hope Pam doesn’t get all possessive over both Eric and Sookie not wanting one to hurt the other. Maybe she will have already been waiting for them to get together. I can so see her betting with Jason and Brandon on how long it would take for either of them to make a move. Lol more please.

  17. Had some pre-op tests this morning and reading this on my phone lifted my spirits. Love the whole family dynamic –I think this is the best dynamic yet. And Eric, King of All, has finally met his match in a fiesty, firey, telepath!

    Yo Go Girl!
    Pat

  18. Flirting..it does the body good! That was so much fun. The family banter was so reminiscent of Saints and Sinners. Loved it and looking forward to the next chapter.

  19. Loooooooooove this Sookie.You really know how to write her Please keep up the good work ,it so good to laugh so hard when reading this story.You do it so well . Can not wait for more. Thank you for sharing your gift.

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