Alcide In Wonderland

Chapter 2

Curiouser And Curiouser

**

“Northman.” Holy fucking shit! I was starting to think he was dead!

“Don’t ‘Northman’ me, mother fucker. Where are you?”

“In Bon Temps, why?”

“Why aren’t you with your car?” Or answering your phone…

“I don’t know Alc. It’s one of the big mysteries of the universe. Just like why you’ve called in my GPS to stalk me all the way to Bon Temps when you should be with your family.” Then I heard some girl laugh… and realized that there was music playing in the background…

“Was that a girl? Music? Are you at a bar, trolling for trim while you’re working?”

“Stackhouse isn’t available until the morning, I found something fun to do.” ‘Something’. Something fun to do that wears a 32D? Asshole.

“Is she hot?”

“Like the fires of hell. He’s at 1-0-7 Liberation Lane.” It wasn’t Eric. It was some girl’s voice and… damn if the bitch didn’t hang up on me.

**

I put the address into my Garmin and then took a minute to breath since nothing fucked up had happened to Eric…

It had been four hours of chain smoking, some of it in heavy traffic, to find out that a piece of ass was keeping him from answering his phone.

This bitch better be phenomenal.

Before I got there and flipped my shit, I figured I’d call the boys… 11 isn’t too late considering the 3 hour nap we all had.

**

“Hello.”

“I called to talk to the boys.”

“They’re fine.”

“Amelia, I want to talk to them. Put them on.”

“You made good time. Is Eric ok?” Fuck me. Wonderful testament to our marriage that my wife prefers talking to me when I’m hundreds of miles away…

Deep breaths. “Yeah. He’s fine. It turns out this place has patchy cell signal, at best. He’s at some Halloween party with a date.”

“So you’re coming home tonight?”

“No. We’ll probably rack out in a motel before we drive back. He didn’t make contact with the lead, so since I’m here we’ll track that down in the morning and then head back if it takes us nowhere.”

“Oh.”

“Oh?”

“I wanted to apologize.”

“You tried that already. I’m still pissed. Just back the fuck off for Christ sakes.”

She was quiet for a minute before she huffed into the phone. “I’ll go give the phone to the boys.”

Finally… Damn! While she might like me more when I’m at the other end of the state, it doesn’t make her any less guilty of child abuse… I seriously needed to stop making excuses for her.

Seriously…

“Daddy?”

“Hey Jack, how you feeling?”

“I’m good. We’re watching Transformers.”

“Did you guys eat your candy?”

“I had a couple pieces. Carm ate all of his though… Is Eric ok?”

“That jerk wasn’t answering his phone because he’s on a date. From the sounds of things, he’s fine. I’m going to go catch up to him now.”

“A date?”

“He found himself a girl all the way up here.”

He snorted. “Not bad. Do you wanna talk to Carm?”

“Sure. Love you.”

“Love you too.” I grabbed a smoke while I waited for Carm to pick up.

“Hey daddy. When are you tummin home?”

“Dunno yet. Shouldn’t be long. Eric and I have to work here some tomorrow. I’ll know more in the morning.”

“You’ll call us though right?”

“Absolutely. And you guys can Yahoo text me from your computer.”

“Tool… Jack, Daddy says we tan text him tomorrow!” Part of me wasn’t looking forward to him growing out of his speech issues.

“You mean I can be your secretary!”

“So!”

“You need to hurry up and learn how to spell.” I started laughing.

“You guys stop arguing. I’ll talk to y’all tomorrow. Love you.”

“Love you too. Do you want to talk to Mommy?”

“No. I already did that. Night, buddy.”

“Night.”

That smart little shit hung up the phone as he was handing it back to Amelia.

**

107 Liberation Lane…

Negative on parking… for blocks. I finally said fuck it and parked about a block away in a neighbor’s driveway.

I’d have parked closer, but I was spun up again between the insane texts I was getting from Amelia and the fucking party Eric was at being damn near out of control… I needed another smoke… If I was lucky the damn things would kill me.

When I got to the property, there was a guy sitting on the hood of a car… completely smashed, in uniform… complete with sidearm…

“Tell me that’s a really good costume.”

“It better be! I wear it to work all the time!”

God help this unfortunate town of yahoos… “I’m looking for a tall blond…”

“Ha ha! Who isn’t!?” Irritated and jealous at the same time… not only did I have shit to do, but I’d kill for a drink.

“…He looks like a ken doll he’s with a tiny girl…”

“Shit!…. CHERRRRRYYYYY!!!!!”

Her fucking name is ‘Cherry’? Nice.

“Can’t miss those two… fucking attached… dressed like a football player and the sexiest damn… fuck… I need to get laid…. where’s my ho at!?”

Bon Temps’s ‘finest’… K. Prior should lock himself in his own drunk tank. “Tell me you’re not on duty tonight.”

“Oh, hell naw… You seen my girl? Dressed like a pro. Long legs…”

“Nope just got here. I’ll let her know you’re looking for her.”

“Oh, don’t do that… you get mixed up and I’ll wake up naked with Jas again… asshole…”

The ‘asshole’ didn’t seem to be directed at me, more like the ‘Jas’ that he woke up with… Poor goofy fuck… never get that drunk.

**

Walking into the house past a drunk who bolted to heave into the bushes, the entryway had a dozen or so pictures hanging on the wall… pretty girl, decent looking guy… mixed couple, with his family I guess… with some smoking hot blonde in a few… a couple of guys that looked like they could be related… only picture of a kid obviously wasn’t hers… too blond… big house for there to be no kids. Huh.

I’d almost made it out of the foyer when a cute little brunette hit the breaks in my path. Red sparkled mini dress… spilling out, top and bottom… crown with heart shaped ‘jewels’ in it.

“Oooooh… you’re prettttttty. What are you dressed as?”

“I’m a mortician. You’re the queen of hearts, right?”

She staggered back. “Yup, wanna dance, Mr. 6 Feet Under?”

“I’m looking for Eric and Cherry. Know where I can find them?”

She rolled her eyes at me. “Get the garden hose… those two were practically fuckin’ last time I saw ‘em.” She thumbed over her shoulder and nearly knocked herself off balance.

I felt sorry for my mother… she’d probably had the same conversations more than once trying to fetch me from a few parties.

**

I only made it a few more steps before my path was blocked again.

A boy scout. The guy in most of the pictures in the front hall.

“Hey. Do I know you?”

At least this one wasn’t snot slinging drunk. I put out my hand. “Alcide Herveaux. I’m looking for Eric.”

“I’m Sam Merlotte… You’re looking for Sookie’s guy?”

“I thought her name was Cherry.”

He chuckled. “Old nickname… she’s got him pinned out in the den… drinks are in the kitchen… help yourself… I gotta go find Kevin before he goes home with the wrong hooker again.” Again?

“Deputy?”

“Oh shit! Did he make a play for you?” Sweet Jesus… this guy needs a program…

“No… He’s on the hood of a silver Vette outside.”

“I’ll fucking kill him. That’s my wife’s car!” He bolted past me and through the front door.

**

I finally managed to get to the den… after being stopped/groped by 3 more people… at least 2 of them were women.

Kevin had been right… they were easy to spot… ‘Cherry/Sookie’ was attached to my partner from the hips up, riding his fucking lap like a Merry-Go-Round… She was the sexiest damn devil I’d ever seen… The smoking hot blonde from the gallery o’Merlottes in the front. Sam’s sister maybe?

Nothing good ever comes in a package that nice though… probably has a mind like bubble wrap.

Another hump n dump…

I waited… figuring one of them would have to come up for air eventually…

When she finally did, she started whispering something to him… and then spotted me.

She stared me down, rattling off my description… If my pocket wasn’t still vibrating with questions like ‘who is she?’ and ‘how long have you been fucking this one?’, I might have actually been more flattered that she underestimated my age by nearly a decade than I was offended that she said my suit looked cheap.

My Partner hid his face against his ‘date’s’ shoulder. “Happy Halloween, Asshole.”

Asshole? Nice. I’m not the one scaring the shit out of my partner. “Alright stud, get your knot out of the bitch. We’ve got shit to do.”

I had to lock down so that I wouldn’t laugh when Satan actually understood… “Excuse me?”

Awww, Eric helped her up. “Alcide, your manners are for shit… Sookie, is there a motel he can stay at?” Manners?

“Yeah, I hear there’s some really nice ones in Maine. I’m going for a drink, do you want something?”

“Sure. While you’re gone I’ll try to remind him what etiquette is.” Good. Maybe while she’s gone, he’ll explain why he didn’t bother picking up the fucking phone to tell me the perp he was looking into hadn’t made a toy out of him.

I was in no mood… I didn’t even let her get by me, before I let him know it either. “Nice trick. I’m surprised a town this small has a red light district.”

Eric decided to go with righteous indignance, but before I had the chance to tell him to blow his pious attitude out of his ass, I felt a nudge on the back of my knee and all of a sudden I was picking myself up out of the floor… that bimbo of his clipped my knee!

She leaned in so close I could feel her breath in my ear. “You need to remember yourself. Rule number one of assimilating in a small town: Watch your fucking mouth because we’re all armed and we all know a pig farmer.” Oh damn!… then she gave me a ‘wop slap’ across the back of my head… feisty little bitch.

The aforementioned ‘best friend a guy could have’ was laughing his narrow ass off. “Alc, man, you picked the wrong night to be on your period.”

I waited for her to be gone to laugh… nothing else to do when a girl, barely a buck-ten (most of it tits) drops a guy my size with no fucking effort… well, laugh or be embarrassed… “You look like you’re having fun.”

“I was having a shit load of fun until you showed up. What the fuck are you doing here? You have kids. You should be pealing them from the ceiling right now.”

Huh… is there a way to answer that without putting him in a position to have to call Child Services? “I would be if they both hadn’t come down sick at school. The flu.”

“So you left Amelia at home with 2 sick kids to come hold my hand? You’re a prince among men. How does she put up with you?” She doesn’t. She’s a hateful lunatic.

“She doesn’t have to, I’m never home.”

“Nice. So ‘helping’ me was just an excuse to be 5 hours away from your wife?” That’s a fair assessment… now to find a way to be 5 hours away from her and still be with my kids.

Another party goer, well, this time the other host, Sam’s wife came over and handed Eric a towel to clean the jizz (or whatever that white scum was) off of his pwetty fayce. “Set a date for the wedding yet?”

Wedding? Date? What the holy fuck? No. Is there a such thing as ‘contact drunk’? She must have the wrong fucking guy. No way in a frozen over hell…

I must’ve looked like a window licking retard. I was being laughed at again. “I was thinking that August would be good so we can be back before school starts, but she said that by then her tan would be too dark and she’d look jaundiced in white.”

Sam’s wife giggled at him. “You’re not going to take her away from us are you?”

“You should know better than to think anyone could make her do something she doesn’t want to do… Tara, this is my best friend Alcide. Alcide, this is Sookie’s BFF.”

I shook her hand… fucking lost like a babe in the woods. This wasn’t happening. Ame killed me. I’m in limbo. Period.

Eric kissed the devil when she handed him a beer. “Hey guys, what’d I miss?”

“Tara was asking about the wedding date, but other than ‘not August’ I don’t know what to tell her.”

“This isn’t a guilt trip is it? I told you I’d look like shit in white with a full summer tan.” No. Fucking. Way.

“Of course not. We just didn’t get the chance to finish talking about it.”

“Well, the spring and summer are busy for you… The fall is hectic for me with school. Things calm down by October, we could do it then.”

“You want to wait a year?” He hadn’t been… I thought we’d just been working too much for him to date… he’s had her on the side… for a while?

I… couldn’t process… anything… they kept talking about wedding dates and… FUCK ME! He’d move up here! He would. He’d fucking transfer to the Shreveport office. Shit!

Eric took off like a good little boy to get their coats and left me standing there with Sookie and Tara.

“Don’t you ever do that to Sam again!”

Tara laughed at her. “What did I do?”

“The next time you send me a costume without panties, I’ll taint your java with Hodgkin’s. Your poor husband was terrified to hand me the kit.” She’s not wearing any… oh shit!

“I think we’re even! You put a black girl in a confederate flag halter top… and my ass is hanging out! I know my Daddy didn’t raise any racists!”

Sookie bent over laughing. “You’re the one with the twisted crush on Johnny Knoxville… I thought you’d be down with the Dukes! Besides… The race card! Really, Tara?”

She laughed back. “If that’s what it takes… I’m sending you a bill for my hair. It’s gonna be 10 kinds of nappy because of this damn wig.”

Sookie shook her head and called Sam over… Wrapping her arms around the guy… and purred, twirling her fingers into his hair. “Sam… do you have a problem with the view?”

“Are y’all fightin? I know better than to get in the middle of this.”

“We’re not fighting… Tara’s feeling a little self-conscious about her big ole ghetto booty hanging out of her Daisy Dukes!”

She tried to hide behind Sam while she cackled her ass off, but Tara reached over and plucked her on the nipple… and drew her hand back like she hurt herself. “Bitch!”

“Haha! Adamantium tah-tahs!” She’s pierced… Shit! Eric found himself a freak… nice.

Sam started laughing, trying to stay in the middle of the cat fight and finally pulled his phone out. “Don’t make me wake him up!”

I’m not sure who ‘him’ was, but both of them stopped fucking around in a heartbeat… like kids threatened with ‘the belt’.

**

By the time Eric came back with their coats, they were kissing and making up… saying their goodbyes… with all of the ass that was hanging out of their costumes… the view of the hugging was worth charging for.

Eric and Sookie glommed onto each other as we headed out and Eric looked over at me like he forgot I was in company.

“Alcide, you remember your way back to her house?” Alcide? Nice formality, Mr. Northman.

“Yeah it’s in the GPS. You staying there for the night?”

His little freaky huffed at me. “Unless you want to drive 45 minutes towards Shreveport to get to a motel, you’re welcome to stay too.”

“You sure?”

“As long as you promise to NOT act like a festering asshole I’ll clear it with my pimp.”

My pussy whipped partner thought that was just HI-Larious… “You deserve that and you know it. Be nice.”

“I am being nice.” Now.

**

Once I got back to my truck, I checked my messages… More insane horse shit…

‘I hope she’s worth never seeing your kids again.’

‘You know I’ll get proof.’

‘Answer me you fucking prick.’

‘If you don’t call me back I’ll start packing and you’ll never see them again.’

‘I can’t believe you’d throw it all away for some whore.’

Fuck… God help me. I called her.

“Ame, you need to settle the fuck down.”

“Why the fuck should I? You’ve been there 2 hours now and haven’t checked into a hotel yet.” Stupid fucking twat.

“Eric could have used his card… IF we were staying at a hotel… but we’re not, he has a girlfriend. I’m crashing at her place with them tonight.”

“Uh huh. Bullshit.”

“You don’t have to believe me.”

“I want to talk to him.”

“I’m in my truck. I just got back from pealing them apart. They’re on the way back to her house. While I’m freezing my nuts off, sitting in a stranger’s driveway, trying to talk my crazy wife out of kidnapping my kids.”

“It’s not kidnapping if they’re mine.”

I laughed. “Au contraire, mon cher… It’s custodial interference if you take them from their father…. You don’t want to make that mistake… especially since you’ll be easy to find using a federal officer’s credit to travel… how far do you think you’ll get?”

“You’re being an asshole.”

“What does it make you?”

“Stuck with your ugly ass.”

“Ditto.”

“Why did you call me?”

“Because you needed to have it spelled out for you again… I’m not with someone else… You’re not going anywhere with my kids.”

“I hate you.”

“Then leave me… but you’re not keeping me from my kids.”

“That’s what they make visitation for.”

“Uh huh… and I’m sure you’d like a big fat alimony check every month too.”

“And child support.”

“Not going to happen.”

“How do you figure?”

“Because, you supported yourself before we married and you don’t get child support when you don’t have custody of the kids.”

“No judge in their right mind would give the kids to you!”

“Two words: FOOD POISONING! Dial your shit back right fucking now! I’m up to my ass in reasons to leave you and you fucking know it!”

“You would have had to document it.”

“Who says I didn’t?”

“You…!”

“Amelia… Who says I didn’t? Who says that the next nasty thing out of your mouth isn’t going to bring your world crashing down around you? Who says that I didn’t already file a report? You need to remember what you’re dealing with. You need to fucking remember that no one is making you stay. You need to remember that I would step over your body to tend to one of the boys’ paper cuts… They are the only fucking reason you have a meal ticket anymore. Do yourself a huge fucking favor and act like you don’t need a padded cell.”

“You prick!”

“Ame… You’ve pushed me for long enough.”

“I can’t believe this shit!”

“What’s so unbelievable? I’ve never done a damn thing to give you a reason to think I cheat. And yet here we are… You hate me for something I haven’t done and I hate you for using my kids as an excuse to treat me like shit… Are we done for the night?”

“What’s her name?”

“You really are insane. I just got done…”

“Eric’s so-called girlfriend! Asshole!”

“Sookie. I didn’t catch her last name.” Like I’d tell her anyway.

“Like S-U-K-I.”

“I don’t know. I didn’t fucking arrest her. No DOB, no Social, no AKAs. I know her first name and where she lives.”

“I want her address.”

“I want you to pretend to be rational. Give me what I want for once and I’ll consider pretending to trust you.”

She didn’t fire back with another crazed outburst… she hung up… probably to log onto the computer I bought her, to use the internet I pay for to search for (and possibly harass) every Sookie in northern Louisiana… God damn it! I should have just said her name was Cherry.

**

When I pulled up to 200 Hummingbird Lane, I silenced my phone so that I wouldn’t have more crazy to deal with while I was trying to work.

I ditched my jacket and dress shirt… finally… I didn’t bother grabbing my stuff. I wasn’t sure if I was in the fucking mood to deal with the happy couple bullshit.

The front door was standing wide open this time… coats strewn on the floor… sidearms scattered on top… Sookie had Eric pushed against the wall… yup… no panties… nice ass.

“How much for a half and half?”

I wanted to laugh my ass off… he stood up and pounded his head into the wall. “I’m putting in for a transfer. I hate you.”

Sookie snarled, “Special Agent Cock Blocker. How nice to see you again and so soon.”

“How about a little anal?” She was actually fun to fuck with… I like a sense of humor.

She scowled at me, realizing that her can was hanging out of her ‘skirt’ and pushing it down. “Strict policy of one 5-0 per night. Besides, you couldn’t get a hand job from a blind junkie if you had a Braille map to crack on your dick… I’m going to go shower in ice water. Get the prick a beer.” Really funny… I might actually like this one.

I watched her stomp away until she was out of earshot.

“Don’t make me shoot you.” He must’ve thought I was checking her out.

Like I didn’t’ have enough pussy-pain in my life, I couldn’t help but laugh. “I like her. Where’d you find that?”

“Around.” He started grabbing their shit from the floor. Somebody’s pissy.

I followed Mr. Cranky Pants into the kitchen and waited for him to stab his arms through his shirt to get my beer. “I want one.” Having a hot girl with a sense of humor… wouldn’t be a bad thing… I’d take a retard with a monkey’s grasp on sanity at this point.

“I’m sure your WIFE would love the shit out of that.” Not in the mood for that topic…

“When were you going to tell me you had something going?”

“When you get the invitation to the wedding.”

“Piss ant. Fine. What she like?”

“She’s funny/smart/sexy. She’s from Bon Temps and a teacher at the high school.” Fuck. Smart too? Does she have a twin? Older sister?

“Nice house for a single teacher.”

“Her grandmother left it to her.”

“What school did she go to?”

“Vanderbilt.”

“What’s her family like?”

“Tara is the only one I’ve met. We’ve been on the DL.”

“Tara? The black girl dressed like Daisy Duke?” They acted like sisters, but… uh… the family resemblance wasn’t really there.

“Best friends. Raised together, pretty much adopted.”

“Why are you sneaking around?”

“Her ex-husband is a pain in the ass and there isn’t much to do in a small town but gossip.”

“Ex-husband, huh?”

“His name is Bill. He’s a yuppie prick. He bought the house next door to annoy her. Are we done yet?” Cranky pants….

“Sure. Pam will have fun with this too.”

“I’m sure she will.”

“Did you bring your laptop?”

“No. I didn’t expect to need it.” No way!

“Slacker. You heard that we might have a source where you keep your hump and you blew town without stopping!”

That bitch fucking smiled at me! “Did you bring yours, Mr. Prepared?”

“Of course I did. It’s in my truck. What good is it here though? Have they heard of the internet?” Cell towers obviously weren’t a high priority.

“Sookie has the internet. Don’t be such an ass.”

I’m the ass?

**

While Eric was asking for the password for her wifi… I ran out to my truck to grab my laptop…

And risked a look at my phone… no new nutty texts… no missed calls… Sweet. Maybe she wore herself out and fell asleep.

I’d just fired up the computer and plugged it in when I heard her singing the Life Goes On theme on her way down the hall…

I’m not sure what I noticed first… her nipples through her tank top or the way Eric might as well have been on a leash… a really short one.

Shit. If this bitch did have a sister… Ame might have something to complain about.

She went to the fridge and dove in, tossing bags of lunchmeat and fresh veg back to the table…

…Single. No kids in the house and she has fresh fucking food in spite of looking like she’s been on a diet her whole fucking life… Seriously? Ame needed lessons.

“I’m starving, who’s eating?”

All of a sudden, Eric punched me in my fucking shoulder… I almost threw his return until I realized he thought I was checking out ‘his woman’. I started laughing again… he had no idea….

“I’ll eat whatever you offer me.”

“Good, I’ll put extra AIDs on your sandwich.” Quick wit too… those two are fucking perfect for each other… and it was hilarious that her blue balls were raging harder than his.

“So Barbie, how did you and Ken here meet? Was it meet cute?”

“I was minding my own business, just chatting on the phone when he came over and started flirting. He asked me for some cherry. It didn’t take me long to get him naked. Before I knew it, we were in the bathroom and clothes were everywhere. One of his boots ended up on the counter if I remember right.” Eric was laughing… but… it wasn’t an answer… it was bullshit! There wasn’t a single real detail… nothing moony about it… something was off…

“Huh. What would you say if I asked for some cherry?”

“I’d tell you to keep your filthy fucking cum-dumpster shut and remind you that you have a wife and kids at home that don’t have any reason to love your ass, but do anyway.” Even if she was only half right, she was still funny as hell. She could take a ribbing… and I was definitely filing ‘filthy fucking cum-dumpster’ away for later use. Might gift wrap it for when I finally snap on Pam.

**

It didn’t even seem like she looked back from her sandwich assembly line… it was like she sensed that I was about to light up… she snatched my cigarette out from between my lips and tossed it into the sink…  just like my Mom used to.

“Were you raised by wolves or is your wife so lazy that she let you forget your manners? You ask before you light up in someone’s house.” Option B.

“Sookie, would you mind terribly if I smoke?”

Like she knew I’d ask, her hand shot up and turn on the fan over the stove. “See… That’s better. That didn’t hurt you, did it? Go ahead, but only in here. I don’t want my upholstery to stink.”

Maybe my manners could use an adjustment.

**

Sandwiches big enough to choke Paul Bunyan… cold beer… a rack Vivid Video would franchise… an IQ higher than her age… Where the fuck was she when I was beer goggling Amelia?

Oh yeah… high school… never fucking mind.

I didn’t even care that I wasn’t getting any work done… the Chinese hadn’t held as well as I thought. My mouth was watering before I planned out a way to pick up my sandwich.

“Don’t worry guys, I’ll eat then get out of your hair. I don’t want to interrupt your secret squirrel stuff.”

’Thank you’ just wasn’t going to come out past the massive bite I’d just taken… “Good.”

I should’ve waited…

She moved so fast that I didn’t have the chance to duck before her hand flew over and whopped me again. I’d managed to piss her off… Hard core. “There is one motel in the area. The locals call it the ‘Scabies Inn’. If you can’t dial it back and pretend to have some raising, you’ll find yourself staying at Hotel Sticky Sheet… Here, maybe something shiny will distract you from being such a tool.” With one hand and not looking, she typed in the passcode for her wifi…

It took me a minute to swallow enough of my sandwich… “Thanks…”

Now I was embarrassed. I finished chewing and opted to change the subject… Work. “Ok, so the recent taunts have been coming from this Stackhouse guy’s ISP. But you say that you’re sure that it isn’t Stackhouse.”

“It’s not him. You saw his jacket. He’s owned the business for 30 years, wife, family, no priors. Our guy wouldn’t be dumb enough to lead us right to him by using his own computer to tease us.”

“Well, how the hell would he have access to this guy’s computer?”

“That’s why we need to talk to Stackhouse. Retard.”

“Why didn’t you talk to him today?” Sookie. Booty call.

“Because when I got to the office, it was closing time and he wasn’t there.”

“Why didn’t you go to his house?”

“Because the receptionist told me that the whole fucking family had the flu. I figured I could wait until morning and go back to the office and spare myself the germs of going into his house.”

“And you thought you could visit your box if you put it off.” Sookie smiled from behind her sandwich, Eric was the one to get offended.

“We just need to get the list of employees with access to the router at his office and then pull their jackets.”

“Yeah, but we can’t do that from here. We’ll have to go to Dallas’s field office and then they’ll want part of the credit.” Or Jackson. It’s closer. Shit. I hate Mississippi.

Sookie all of a sudden looked like… constipated… So Eric asked her why.

“I can get it for you.”

“Get what?”

“All of it? Come on back. Alcide, bring your lappy with you.” She was already half gone with her snack… She moves… like a dancer maybe… really agile… it’s weird…

**

As it turned out… Eric found himself a hot little HACKER. She was deep into FBI servers so quick it was scary. I might have thought about calling it in if she wasn’t saving me a trip to Jackson.

She gave us the Stackhouse files and the access to check out every employee… and we were nearly done when she got a call… 3am? Rude.

She hit the speaker button, still digging through records… typing so fast it was more like white noise than the usual clicking.

“Rene? It’s late. What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry Miss Stackhouse. I thought you’d want to know. The Vampire struck again.” Son of a fucking BITCH! Stackhouse! No wonder he didn’t give me a last name! I don’t care if she can suck the fucking chrome from a trailer hitch… a fucking source? HUGE NO NO… Not to mention the fucking guy on the phone was all up on the Vampire info. Eric needs to be kicked in his shit for this… he’s young, but he knows better than this! Fuuuuuuuck!

I barely waited for her to hang up before I went atomic… “You compromised a case!”

“How?”

“For starters, she’s a Stackhouse.” That was more than enough.

“She’s Corbett’s daughter. The man doesn’t know I exist.” He was too calm… he’d justified this?

“Fine, but you obviously DO talk about work!”

“You need to slow down! I have NOT mentioned anything about any cases to Sookie!” Bullshit. I’m not that much dumber than him. NOT BUYING IT!

“Then what the fuck is she doing tracking the Vampire?”

“I DON’T KNOW! I didn’t get the chance to ask before your period started again!… Sookie why ARE you following the Vampire? And who was that guy?”

I listened as closely as I could to the sad tale of her emo student and her master’s work and club at school while I was trying to figure out how to deal with Pam… fuck… the directors…

Oh, holy cluster fuck, Batman. Trying to breath…

Focus on details… Pattern?

“We thought he was working his way north too, but then he started to move around. That was easy to spot.”

“You’d a better cop if you’d just have your head surgically removed from your ass. There is a very predictable pattern. I’ve known the approximate location of every body based on the way he dumps the one before.”

Smug. She was being too smug. “Oh really? How about you enlighten me princess.”

“When the vampire dumps a girl, he positions them with an arm out, away from her body. Her arm is pointing to the next place he’ll dump. He takes them from home, cuts their throats THEN rapes them somewhere else then dumps them where they work. He’s only doing girls in small towns who live AND work in that town and he’s doing it alphabetically…”

“What alphabet do you sing?”

“Anderson, Bethany, Carolyn, D’nai… First or last, there isn’t a rhyme or reason but numerically there is. He’s given himself a lot of rules and he hasn’t broken them yet. He’s really disciplined…” Shit.. she was too smart for her own damn good and the only reason I was able to dial it back at all was the surprised look on my partner’s mug. He actually hadn’t known she was following our guy.

“That’s what that asshole said… What’s with the numbers?”

“He picks his victims at their birthday party. I went back to old news clips online and all of them mentioned that they recently celebrated a birthday and those poignant ‘final’ photos the news loves to show were all taken at restaurants and bars. The girls were wearing those silly hats, advertising their celebrations. Get those pictures and he’s in them. He took Geri 17 days after her 17^th birthday then 17days later was Bethany’s 24 birthday. He took Bethany 24 days later and 24 days later was Carolyn’s 14^th birthday. And so on…”

No way. We’ve had this case for over a fucking year… she knew… everything… more than we do…

“…Felicia Lombard in Heflin was pointing northwest. She was taken 19 days after her 19^th birthday and found on September 8^th, the last victim, was 19 And Maudette was found today making her… 34^th birthday the 25^th of September. Making any female with an N monogram and December 2^nd birthday a target. I’ll even venture to guess up near Cotton Valley since he hasn’t gone north east in a while and he doesn’t leave a 30 mile radius.”

“You know this case better than I do. Why didn’t you contact someone with your theories?”

She glared at me… I was already aware that I owed her at least an apology… if not indentured servitude… “It gets the most attention from the group because he’s so active. I emailed the files we started to ‘Special Agent Twining’ who promptly replied that ‘conjecture’ from ‘hobbyists’ was unwelcome. The file is in my Docs named ‘Vampire’ if you want it. It’s my stuff with the kids’ theories too. And a copy of the ‘thank you’ email I got.” That tool… Twining sucked his way to the middle and stalled… his retirement party was going to go down in history.

“Uh, thanks… Eric, I guess we don’t need to talk to Stackhouse now, but we need to see the coroner in the morning.”

She didn’t say anything before she picked the phone up and started dialing…

“Hey Bud… I know it’s late and I wouldn’t have called if I didn’t know you’re up, you old coot!… Yes I am… I know you aren’t going to tell me anything… For starters, spit your dip out when you’re on the phone or I’ll tell your wife you’re dipping again… Ok… Have you called the Shreveport field office yet?… Good. Don’t… When will Mike see to her?… Just answer me or dip isn’t the only thing I tell your wife about… Ok. Thanks… Of course I wasn’t serious. See ya soon…”

She smiled watching the phone bounce on the bed. “…You have to wait until Monday for pathology unless you want to have someone else come up. Mike is hunting.”

“Who is Mike?”

She made an oops type of face, forgetting that we weren’t locals. “Mike Spencer. He’s Bon Temps’ coroner. Bud, the sheriff, says that he went hunting and will be back Sunday night. Maudette, Pickens by the way, will go into the fridge until he’s back. ‘Unless those fucking feds come get ‘er.’ His words, not mine. I’ll take you to the police station around lunch time to introduce y’all if you want. He’ll have the photos and whatnot ready by then. And you can look her over.”

Fuck me… nice perk to being in a town where everybody knows everybody else. “I guess I’ll go grab a smoke and call Pam and give her an update. She’s going to have Twining’s head mounted on her wall for this.”

“Are you going to tell her I’m ‘fucking a source’?” Not now…

“No. I’m going to tell her that your fiancé is a fucking brilliant bitch and found a new angle.”

**

“Pam.”

“Oh this better be fucking good. Do you have a watch?”

“How about a fresh body? Is that good enough for you?”

“What? Who? Where?”

“Maudette Pickens. Bon Temps.”

“Is it our guy?” OUR?

“Yeah… Eric found a new lead too… Shit load of new data… we’re still sorting through it all.”

“When’s the autopsy?”

“No sooner than Monday. Local coroner went hunting.”

“Stay put. Exhaust all leads. Be at the morgue.”Ohhh… lovely, explaining that I’m staying until Monday…

“You want the new info?”

“Outline it.”

“The source is Sookie Stackhouse, Eric’s fiancé… there’s more to the patterns… an assload more. He’s using birthdays and ages, there’s an alphabet pattern too… and he’s positioning them to point us to where he’s going to dump the next one.”

“Eric’s engaged?” Way to stay focused, useless twat. Mental list: clone Sookie to replace the Pams and Amelias in the world…

“She’s a teacher in Bon Temps. Probably smarter than him… she sponsors this club…”

“Well isn’t that interesting. No wonder he didn’t give me his location when I checked in with him earlier.”

“You checked in with him?”

“Yes… a little while after I spoke to you.” I pictured how many bullets I could put into her without actually killing her… 22…

“It might have been nice to call his partner and let him know not to worry enough to drive 5 hours to find him.”

“Awww. Eric’s marrying the wrong girl. Are you jealous of the other woman?” 28… the caliber just got smaller.

“Pam, I left sick kids at home to track him down.”

“You have kids?” Unfeeling cunt… my boss, my wife… and at the moment, Sookie is the only woman I know that’s worth pissing on to put out if she were on fire!

“We’ll go through the data and get back to you.”

“Good boy.”

Good boy, my fucking ass!

**

I almost laughed when I tried to tell Eric, well, remind him of what a bitch our supervisor is… Those two were already in the middle of… recess… and I got threatened…

I thought about following the Queen of Hearts’s advice and dumping a jug of water on them… I decided to be nice… I was a prick earlier…

I left them alone…

I was only pissed that I’d left my laptop in there.

I grabbed my bag from the truck and tried to sleep…

The bed was comfy… the room was cool and plenty dark…

But the walls were thin…

There was no fucking way for me to get any sleep during mating season.

More than a fucking hour and I was ready to eat a fucking bullet.

And I felt like a pervert laying there listening once my damn iPod died…

I gave up and went to the kitchen to grab a drink.

I grabbed my phone and risked another look…

Oh fuck…

Amelia had been busy. I’d been hoping ‘Sookie’ was a common name in the area.

‘Sookie Stackhouse?’

‘You’re sleeping with her?’

There was a link to a picture of Sookie with some cheerleaders…

There was a link to Sookie’s facebook account… her last posting was this afternoon… ‘Sorry Bear… Shit happens. See ya soon.”

A link to her twitter… Her last thread was between her and some guy named TakeItAllOff… he was asking her to join his show… Her last tweet was  ‘Claude, u’ve lost ur effing mind, but I still miss u *kisses*’…

A link to a picture of her ‘tagged’ on a beach somewhere… laying out in a bikini with Tara and some girl named Frannie. No faces, but nice line up…

A link to the school website… she was all over it.

Tagged at a Braves game last summer with a Jason and a Corbett…

Tagged at a lot of places… there were more than a dozen links…

A link to an article about the Cheerleading championships…

A link to an article about some community service program she runs…

More tagged photos…

**

I was leaning against the sink, jumping from link to link with another cigarette when the noise finally died down. I was almost afraid to try to sleep… I was waiting for the next round to start.

I wasn’t even assured by the sound of the hot water heater kicking in…

I barely heard a shuffle in the hall, a door creaking shut…

When Sookie came in, she managed to smile and cringe at the same time.

“Shit. I’m sorry.”

I thought I’d make a dirty joke, but decided to behave. “Nah. I am… I was a dick earlier.”

“Forget about it.”

“No. We got off on the wrong foot.”

She shrugged as she opened the fridge. “Your wife is riding your ass about being away, you miss your kids, you’re up to your chin in a predator that waits until his victims are 4 pints lighter to fuck them and you had to drive 5 hours to find out that Eric’s cell signal is the only thing of questionable health… You’re allowed to be crotchety.”

Huh. “How do you know all that?”

She smiled, glancing over for a split second before studying her fridge again. “You silenced your phone, but I saw the light blinking like mad through your pocket… your boys are your background and you have a slideshow widget in your sidebar, they’re beautiful by the way… the Vampire is a no brainer and Eric got 9 missed call alerts while I was in the shower; all of them are you… and I could hear it in your voice when you finally got a hold of him. Cell signal is dodgy on nights like this… teenagers party hopping and trying to catch up to everyone.”

“Not bad.”

She giggled. “I know. I’m here all week.”

Funny… and still staring at the contents of the fridge. “You got a tapeworm?”

“Making a grocery list. I didn’t shop for company.”

“You’re going shopping now?”

“24 Super Wal-Mart out on the highway.”

“I meant sleep, not store hours.”

She finally looked up and smiled. “I’m an early riser… Now that Eric’s sleeping, you should rack out. The bags under your eyes are showing your age.”

“Rack out, huh?”

She nodded. “Hit the sheets, count sheep, saw some logs…”

“I know what you mean… Just not something you hear often.”

“You’re not the first jarhead I’ve ever met… If you want to push through for a double, I’ll make you some coffee. Grab you some energy shots while I’m out.” Nice too…

“No. I’ll try for the siesta.”

“Is she going to back off at all so you can work?”

We’re back to my wife? I must’ve shown that I was confused, because Sookie nodded towards my phone. The damn light was blinking again. “No. I made the mistake of telling her I was staying with you and Eric tonight… she’s sending me everything she can find on you.”

Her eyes sprang open and she rolled them, but she didn’t say anything for a minute… “Is there something specific she’s looking for?”

“No. She’s insecure.”

“Oh. One of those.”

“Yup.” Not even close to being in the mood to defend her.

“Well then, I’m sorry in advance. I spend most of my summer in a two-piece.”

“I know. She sent links.”

“Tell her I can’t wait to meet her. Tell her to send friend requests.”

“You don’t want that.”

She shrugged. “Neither does she, but if you were fucking me on the side you wouldn’t give her a way to contact me. It might buy you some time to rest.” Taking one for the team?

“I’ll risk it. She doesn’t need the excuse.”

She nodded and patted my stomach. “You’re the boss… Do you have any diet issues?”

“Nope. Not a one.”

“K, then. I’m outta here.” She stretched up and kissed my cheek on her way out. “Try to get some rest. You’ve got that ugliness to deal with in a few hours.”

She’s either really good at hiding how fucking crazy she is or… she really is that nice…

Not possible…

**

I went back to the guest room and laid down… hoping like hell that I’d get at least a couple hours of sleep before Eric and Sookie went back at it.

I finished looking through the crazy list of links my ‘darling’ wife sent me…

And finally texted her back. ‘Tell the boys I miss them.’

Then finally managed to doze off…

…I woke up again for a minute…

Hearing someone move around in the room with me.

Sookie was standing at the dresser…

She turned around and grinned. “You left your lappy in our room. I thought I’d plug you in so you’d have juice later.” She held her hand out for my phone so I handed it to her…

When she left, closing the door and turning out the light, I noticed that she’d plugged in my iPod and phone to charge with it…

Sweet girl…

But being married to Eric’s job would make her just as fucking crazy as Ame…

He’d better enjoy it while it lasts.

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