Have a favorite prank from one of my stories? Maybe an insult, one-liner or a running theme?
Please, feel free to immortalize (couldn’t resist the urge to be punny) it in whatever way you see fit and contribute it.
or you can post it in the FB group EricIzMine’s Bratpack.
I’d lovelovelove to see this page filled with funny!
Alcide In Wonderland~>
Contributed by Lyndel Turner
Chapter 5: If You Don’t Think Then You Shouldn’t Speak
“Get off of me!”
“Shhh. I like my dates conscious… Don’t make this difficult.”
I shifted to pin him better and he tried to put up a fight, but my legs already had his…
“I don’t mind if you squirm, but I think it’d hurt more.”
He went so still that he even held his breath… just long enough for me to shift to push my hip (the bottle of tobasco) into his ass and unzip my fly…
I gave him a few seconds, letting his panic set in and just as I pulled my hand back to choke hold him into a little nap…
Not ‘oh shit’. I smelled shit. Realizing that I literally scared the shit out of this guy made it almost impossible to not laugh hard enough to piss my pants…
‘Fashion’ had gone to shit since I went to school…
The guys still dressed the same, give or take. Jeans. T-shirts. Sneakers or boots…
‘The tighter the better’ had been the style… the girls wore their clothes as tight as they possibly could and I’m pretty sure that had something to do with why hair was so big then too… the bangs. HUGE, fist-sized walls, waves or wads of bangs that supported a can-a-day habit of Aqua-Net… Jean jackets… Keds with layered socks…
Nowadays it was scary… tighter had made way for smaller. For all the girls in the class, there was barely a whole outfit between them… Keds were a memory and high heels were the majority over anything close to modest or comfortable… I can’t remember the last time I’d seen so many bra straps in one place and if it was summer, I might be able to understand all the tank tops… but it was November for fuck sake… I was dying to see the dress code…
Dated…. And remembering the ‘good old days’…
Most importantly… Still glad to have boys.
My knees tried to give out again when her breath hit my ear and staying still became a battle.
“Had, you’ve gotta stop.”
She whispered, giving me chills, “Alc?”
I choked out, “Yeah?”
“You still haven’t moved away.” When she went back, she started trailing down again to the front of my throat.
“You’re killing me.”
She dragged her teeth over my collar bone before she stopped to look at me. “Then fight back.”
And there it was… The ‘fuck me’ face I was afraid to see as bigger than a thumbnail… Life size… In the flesh… And barely an inch away…
Brandon offered, “While Sully warded Billy-Boy into his car so he couldn’t get out until he was back in his Area, I cast an impotence incantation. No blood, no fuck, until Area 2 makes a formal fucking apology to Area 5 for sending a retard to do a man’s job.”
Note to self: Never test Brandon’s limits.
Sookie snorted, “But you’re in a good mood anyway.”
Brandon nodded and leaned back to spread his arms out over the spine of the sofa. “Therapy… I Photoshopped a sign…”
“What kind of sign?”
“A little sign for Planned Parenthood…”
Klaasje corrected, “A billboard, using Compton’s likeness. It says, ‘Deputy Sheriff Bill Compton’s parents didn’t have options. You do. Take advantage of the services provided by your local Planned Parenthood facility.’ Compton’s address is included and…”
Sookie snorted, “And he booked a billboard right by the Danube, didn’t he?”
Brandon winked at his sister and added, “Gwen’s new view through her office window…”
Bored To Death~>
Chapter 9: Public
He looked like he was doing long division… with fractions for a while as the squirrels in his brain cavity translated for him.
Chapter 16: Progress
He started shaking his head again. Maybe the breeze helped his inner squirrels. “First of all, it ain’t gold digging if he wants to get it for you. And B, You already ain’t like ‘any other girl’, bonehead! You’re a mind reading waitress with a rich vampire boyfriend. The boat for normal left on you a long time back. Damn!”
Chapter 22: The Best Medicine
While we rode to the palace, I caught myself wondering what squirrels ‘like’.
Jason’s deserved a treat.
I found it difficult to not laugh at Herveaux. He was annoyed enough that he had to let Merlotte up, that he manhandled and berated him all the way to the small office that Owen led us to. My favorite of his slurs: ‘Retarded piece of shit shifter. What the fuck do you smell like? Is your familiar a chicken fucking nugget?’ Not only was I forced to crack a smile, but it broke through Sookie’s irritation enough to warrant a giggle.
Chapter 23: I turned to see Alcide beaming. “What’s funny?”
Alcide shrugged and tossed his phone to me. I almost didn’t want to look…
I started laughing immediately. There was a picture of a hotel bathtub… full of cat litter. “He’s going to fight back.”
I pressed the cursor to see a can of sardines resting on a pillow like a mint would be. I started laughing again…
A pyramid of yarn balls on the dresser… Toy mice in the drawers… Cat nip between the sheets… A saucer of milk on the table… The last picture, the proverbial cherry… the plaque on the wall for room #103… no door, just a barricade of canned cat food.
Chapter 25: “I sunned on the roof. Quinn made fun of me… but you should see the top of baldy’s dome… he’s got such a sunburn his head could glow in the dark.”
Couldn’t Get Away~>
“Um… I woke up in Bon Temps. Bill grabbed me on the way to the car and started in…”
“Started in how?”
“I love you, Sookeh. You mustn’t leave. How could yew scay-ah me intentionalleh? You ah Mine.” Complete with horrible accent and phony baritone. It had been too accurate.
“Don’t. Ever. Do. That. Again.”
She giggled. “Sorry. Anyway, he had a few kittens because I ‘stunk’ of you. He grabbed me again and I shoved a branch from Gran’s prized hydrangea into his chest. The end.”
“Alcide will be upset that you didn’t record it for him.”
“HAY! He already got to kill a Bill! It was my turn! Besides… he’ll get over it because Ema drew it.” I chuckled as I realized… we’d all assumed the ‘puddle’ in the driveway was transmission or brake fluid… to the extent that we all took our cars in for tune-ups.