It Can’t Be

Chapter 15

Loaded Barrel

**

Even though he had a shiny new laptop, Eric still headed straight for my office as soon as we walked into the house and I followed Sookie to the kitchen to help put away the mountain of leftovers and takeout orders.

When I turned around from putting a bag into the fridge, I was trapped. Sookie was standing with her arms crossed and her eyes narrowed.

“Uh oh.”

“You ganged up on me again.”

“We. Did. Not… I’m sorry if it felt like that, but being disagreed with doesn’t automatically qualify as a gang. And Alcide stayed out of it… I listened to what Eric had to say and I looked for holes in his plan… I understand why you’re leery and even offered the chaperoning option. Don’t be brat about it. I’m pretty fucking proud of myself.”

“He’s too young.”

“I don’t think he is. He’s going out with a girl his own age to an age appropriate event. I wouldn’t have agreed to just anything. This isn’t a ‘guy thing’ if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“You’re very buddy-buddy with him.”

“That would probably be a symptom of the history I have with my father since the only thing I ever did with him was help him off of the bathroom floor so I could shower for school.”

“Was that a guilt play?”

“No.”

“Give me a scenario you would’ve shot down then.”

I had to think about it… “I’m new here.”

“I knew it…”

“Settle down… I’m trying, dammit… when we were in Jackson, when you thought I was Eric… You said something about a concert… I would’ve shot that down without a chaperone.”

“How is a concert with thousands of people different from a fair with thousands of people for you?”

“The mood of the attendees, for starters. The fair is a family event that’s spread out over acres and acres. A concert is full of spun up sycophants who drink heavily in the parking lot until the gates open and then force themselves into close proximity with each other. Fights happen and people get trampled. There are too many opportunities for screwing up… Case in point, when we went to see Nirvana, I didn’t get carded at the beer tent, we got a contact buzz and we fucked behind a vender tent… How’s that? And now that I’m thinking about it, I wouldn’t have been onboard if he wanted to do something on a more intimate level either. Something like ‘studying’ in a house without an adult around or going to a pool to work on her breaststroke… That’s asking for trouble.”

“What the hell are you going to do when he comes to you and asks about what kind of rubbers to buy, Eric. He’s getting to that age… You know it’s you he’ll come to about it…”

“I don’t know, Sookie. You’re right, he is getting to that age. And don’t say that he’ll come to me like it’s an accusation. It would be assumed that a boy would go to his father… Why don’t we just hope that he doesn’t go to Alcide until we’re forced to cross that bridge.”

“If he’s dating, you need to start thinking about it.”

“Fine. I’ll discourage fucking and suggest he sticks to hand jobs and oral until he gets a vasectomy.”

“This isn’t funny.”

“I’m not laughing. What would you have me do?”

“Freeze time.”

I huffed when I realized that the conversation wasn’t about her toes feeling stepped on, but about how unprepared she was for Eric to grow up. I closed the gap between us and put my arms around her shoulders. “Promise me something.”

“What?”

“Promise you won’t give yourself a heart attack before we come up with a plan B… It’s inevitable. He’s going to grow up and he’s going to make mistakes that need to be made so that he can learn from them. He’s at the age now when all we can do is hope he listens to our advice.”

“Or lock him up.”

“That’s got just as many holes as your freezing time plan… How old were you when you decided what you wanted in life was to get the fuck out of Bon Temps? Because I can tell you, I was 12 when I decided that I couldn’t get far enough away from Lanesville… When my mother saw that I was filling out a FAFSA form, she asked why I needed college when I could just work construction, but there wasn’t a damn thing she could say to make me change my mind about leaving.”

“He doesn’t have the drive we did because he isn’t miserable… He’s a lot more naïve than we were. He hasn’t watched most of his friends and family drop out because they couldn’t finish and take care of a baby. I didn’t want him to think about the stuff we had to… As far as I know, he doesn’t even know that electricity isn’t free…”

“Good. I was starting to think he was afraid of the dark… He had the charmed life we wanted our kids to get… Are we done arguing? I need to go find a place to slip into my Cantonese Coma.”

She snorted. “I know he’s going to make mistakes… I just don’t want him to make the big ones.”

“You’re forgetting something very important.”

“What?”

“He’s not us and we aren’t our parents. When he fucks up, he has parents who will help him instead of feed him to the wolves. We aren’t so self absorbed that we would miss something before it gets out of hand.”

“Dating makes me worry about too many things.”

“We did fine and we didn’t have any supervision.”

She lifted her chin to narrow her eyes at me. “Eric. I. Got. Pregnant.”

I raised my eyebrows. “We’d been together for two and a half years. We were smart. We were careful. We were living together. We were already planning to get married. We were already planning on kids. By the time I got you pregnant, we already had jobs and everything would’ve been fine.”

“What if he makes a mistake like that now though? That’s what I’m worried about. If it weren’t for what happened to me, we’d have just called him a surprise. But if he… Now it would be a mistake.”

I let go of her shoulders so that I could scoop her up and start walking towards the den. She wasn’t uncooperative, but she wasn’t happy about it. I put her down at one end of the sofa, kicked off my shoes, laid down and closed my eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting comfortable.”

“Going to sleep.”

I whispered, “Meditating.”

She tried to conceal a giggle by clearing her throat. “Why aren’t you taking me seriously?”

“I am very serious about the possibility of our son having a prophylactic mishap, but since all we have on our plates at the moment is his first date, I’m going to take a nap. When I wake up, I’m going to talk to him about having a virgin wedding to make his mother happy…” She slapped my leg and called me a jerk. “…When Eric laughs at me, I’m going to explain that there’s no excuse for knocking up anyone before he’s old enough to celebrate by buying a round for his friends so I’ll explain the irony of rubbers being on the same aisle as diapers.”

“You’d do that just to make me feel better?”

“Unless you want Alcide to do it, but he could just tell Eric that ‘she’ can’t get pregnant in her…” Before I could finish, Sookie slapped my leg again, but that time she laughed.

“You! You do it… Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Now, are you going to join me or are you going to keep yanking on your lip until it comes off?”

I heard her shoes hit the floor and felt the sofa cushions start to shift. “What makes you think I was pulling my lip?”

She nestled between me and the back of the sofa so I rolled over to snuggle in behind her. “Because I remember everything about you.”

“Everything, huh?”

“Right down to the puddle of drool you leave on my arm when we nap together. Now shut up and go to sleep.”

**

I had more than just an impending sex talk keeping me from leaving the sofa once I woke up…

Sookie had rolled over while we slept and I opened my eyes to see her still using my shoulder as her pillow… she wasn’t just peaceful, the enigmatic little lift in the corners of her mouth made her seem blissful…

It was impish and angelic at the same time…

I had to will myself to worm away from her.

I probably wasn’t any more prepared than any other parent ever had been when staring down the loaded barrel of the same conversation… Truth be told, I did think he was too young for sex, but ignoring the conversation could’ve led to more than just a little awkwardness.

Eric had his feet up on the corner of my desk with his laptop resting on his legs when I got to the office. He gave me a long look and said ‘uh oh’ before closing his computer and setting it on the desk.

‘Uh oh’. I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d made the same ‘I’m in trouble’ face when I’d said the same thing to Sookie just a couple hours earlier.

“I heard y’all talking… You argued?”

“No. I thought we were for a minute, but it turned out that your mother was arguing with herself.”

“About what?”

“The fact that she’d be fine if you stay a virgin until she dies.”

He closed his eyes for a few seconds and rolled the lids open slowly like he was making sure he’d heard me right. He started chuckling even though he started to blush when it dawned on him what we’d be talking about. “So she shoved you in here to give me ‘the talk’? Nice… At least you taught me to drive first.”

“She admits that she’s sheltered you from a lot because she wanted to protect you from the horrible shit she wallowed in growing up… So she’s terrified that since you’re going on a date tonight, she’ll be a grandmother by next summer.”

“Oh, that’s great. How am I supposed to not be insulted? She knows I passed sex ed.”

“You could avoid feeling insulted by realizing that when she graduated high school, she was only one of 4 girls who marched… the rest of them couldn’t find babysitters. By Bon Temps standards you should be the youngest of 8 kids… She just doesn’t want that for you…”

“And since Uncle Jason and Aunt Crystal had a shotgun wedding and I was an accident…”

“Hold on. By definition, an ‘accident’ is something that would or should have been avoided. Jason and Crystal had been planning the wedding for more than 6 months when she got pregnant… Jason Jr. was a surprise. You were an acceleration in our plans, but a big part of them nonetheless…”

“Either way, we snuck up on everybody… so Mom figures that I’ll start populating Louisiana with unplanned babies.”

“No. She’s afraid that one case of poor judgment can change the course of your life. Of all people, she has the right to that perspective.”

“Whether you like it or not, that leads back to the topic of me being an accident.”

“She didn’t…”

“She left because of me.” Oh shit. That’s what I got for thinking that our session had gone so well. “If I hadn’t been in the oven, she wouldn’t have been confused and made herself nuts…”

“Did you say anything to Claudia about this?”

“Not much to talk about…”

“I think there is. You’re saddling yourself with culpability… when you didn’t even have a heartbeat.”

“Did you… Did she say why she didn’t have an amnio done? I mean, that could’ve been done without you even knowing. One of my teachers had to have one because she was old enough for Downs to be an issue. She was at work the next day.”

“She didn’t say anything, but I know she would’ve needed DNA to compare it to so she would’ve had to say something… And there’s a risk of miscarriage with amnios… And she would’ve been showing by the time it could be done. And that’s all assuming that they were DNA matching with amniocentesis back then. I think they were pretty much just doing it for diagnostics still for the most part.”

He stared at the tops of his flip-flops for a few minutes and the building tension was smothering me. “It’s weird… I’m glad I finally met you and I’m glad y’all are getting along… Everything’s going good NOW… but… I can’t help but think about what she went through, how out of hand things got… If she had just gotten an abortion, everything would’ve been fine… I mean, all because she wouldn’t lie to you…”

“The guilt from not knowing who she killed would’ve eaten her alive.”

“As much as raising me? I mean talk about fate being cruel… I don’t just look a little like you… I look like your damn clone.”

“If you two are going to insist on ‘ifs’, I’m setting a time limit.”

“You never?” Only in the hopes of figuring out how to fix what I’d done wrong… I was looking for answers, not a do-over.

“Future ifs, of course… But doing it in the past tense doesn’t do any good. If doing it worked, I’d play along… but I’d rather enjoy what we have.”

“But you’re still angry.”

“That’s an understatement.”

“What’s the point of being angry?”

I shrugged. “None. No point. It isn’t doing any good. I can’t help it though. We were fucked out of a lot of things. I can keep myself from making it worse by playing mind games with myself… You can’t put out a fire with gasoline.”

He smirked. “How many fortune cookies did you take?”

I chuckled at the little wiseass. “The waitress snuck a bunch to me. I got one that says ‘If momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy’.”

“Riiiiight… the talk.”

“You’ve already had sex ed?”

He rolled his eyes. “It was illuminating.”

“I’m sure… Back in the stone age, we had ‘healthy living’… I think one of the job requirements was to be a repulsive mole-beast so that it scared us off the idea of having sex… Mr. Anderson looked like Danny DeVito when he played the Penguin.”

“Yeah. My teacher looked like Kyle’s mom from South Park.”

“You had a female teacher?”

“No. Mr. Widgeon just looked like one… Huge, saggy man-boobs… scary. Very scary.”

I laughed. “So we can skip the science portion of the lecture?”

He nodded. “Please.”

“Good… Rubbers are in the cabinet in my bathroom.”

He stared at me like he was waiting for more. “That’s it?”

“No. When you start having sex, use them.”

“Seriously?”

I shrugged. “Otherwise, the standard sentence is 18 to life. You’re too young for babies and diseases. Cankers aren’t sexy and even if you trust the girl, she could give you something before she knows she has it… Oh, and birth control isn’t 100%. At your age, it’s more like Russian roulette.”

He blinked a few times. “You’re not going to tell me not to?”

I shook my head. “I know it wouldn’t do any good. I’d rather you waited. God knows, your mother would rather you waited… But if you’re going to start having sex, I’d rather have an open door policy. I’ve developed a phobia towards secrets.”

“How old were you?”

“Younger than you are.”

“How many?”

“I’ve lost count. Too many. Ask me how many have mattered.”

“Ok. How many have mattered?”

“Two. My first and your mother. And most of the rest are in the ‘regrets’ file.”

“What made the first one matter?”

“It wasn’t so much who she was… It was that our first time had been in a house I built when I was working for my uncle the summer before.”

“You’re all kinds of creepy about building things.”

I snorted out a laugh. “Deal with it. You’re stuck with me… Anything else?”

“What about Mom?”

“That’s not my story to tell and good luck getting it out of her. I will tell you she was young and she doesn’t romanticize over her first any more than I do.”

“Damn… You’re serious about the open door stuff, aren’t you?”

“Yes. And I’m serious about using rubbers too… Distractions aren’t going to keep you on track. You have 6 years minimum of school left.”

“Diapers and crabs are bad. Got it.”

“I won’t let the supply run out either so you won’t have an excuse. Once you have a car, keep a box under your seat. If you don’t have any with you, make other arrangements or take a time out to go buy some.”

He chuckled, “Did you seriously just tell me to get a BJ if I forget rubbers?”

I nodded very slowly. “No. Of course not. Your mother would kill me.”

He put a hand over his eyes and started laughing through his nose… His shoulders shook.

“Anything else?”

“First date advice?”

“Don’t waste your time trying to get a kiss if she isn’t holding your hand or the first one to lean.”

“No shit?”

“It doesn’t matter if she kisses your cheek or hugs you a million times… and keep your tongue in your mouth. Until you have more practice, going for more is asking for trouble.”

“Like what?”

“Being the drooling retard she blogs about, for starters. Smashing teeth together sucks like nothing else. If she’s worried about her breath, she’s going to run away faster than she would if yours is bad… On that note, lemonade is your friend. Citrus will cover most of what you eat better than sodas or juices… If you do get the kiss, keep your hands off her ass and don’t pull her. #1 place for your hands: the small of her back. Anywhere else and you could be looking at pervert status.”

“I feel like I should be taking notes.”

I shrugged. “It’s not rocket science… Since you’re going to a carnival, act like you’re scared to do something she wants to do and let her talk you into it… Or ask her to win you a teddy bear.”

“Tell me you’re kidding.”

“It doesn’t have to be literal. She was assertive enough to give you her number. She’ll lose interest if you take total control.”

“I guess you’d know.”

“I’ve learned a few things.”

“Where are those rubbers again?” Very funny…

“Extremely. Extremely. Important… If any girl jumps you on a first date, at your age… Run. Like. The. Fucking. Wind.”

“I was just kidding, but why do you say it like that?”

“Because if she doesn’t have more respect for herself than that, she’s a waste of time because she won’t have any respect for you either. There’s an ocean of crazy that goes along with that type of thing… it’s the kind of shit that you wish on your worst enemy… You don’t bring it down on yourself.”

“Maybe you should write a book.”

“Or I can keep it to myself so that you can take advantage of it… Are we all done?”

“Yeah, I guess… that wasn’t nearly as awkward as I thought it’d be.” Thank God.

“It helps that Miss Widgeon did the dirty work.”

“Yeah… thanks for not drawing anything.” I had a sudden flash from my own class… poorly drawn chalk sketches of longhorn cattle and deformed turtles… at least that’s what they looked like.

“Anytime… Have you finalized everything with the hotel?” It had been more than a little entertaining to watch him put it all together. He’d grabbed the reins to start planning the first night. He’d taken any and all suggestions seriously, but he’d made every decision on his own. Everything from balloons, to the menu, to the Mardi Gras theme inspired by his move to Louisiana.

“They’re being jerks about the food… I told them 50 people, right? They don’t want to do a buffet service for such a small group and I’m not thinking sit down will work…”

“With a bunch of teenagers… you’re right. What’s the minimum for buffet?”

“100.”

“Then plan the buffet for 100.”

“That’s twice as much food…”

“Whatever you and Sookie don’t claim of the leftovers will be taken care of if we provide some takeout containers from a party store. Besides, you invited 50, but you didn’t take into account gate crashers.”

“You go to a lot of parties?”

“Weddings, Bar Mitzvahs, fundraisers… you name it, I’ve done it… Alcide’s sent you confirmation on the DJ?”

“Yeah… I got an email from the photographer to cancel because of scheduling conflicts. That was weird anyway. I’m not sure why Mom wanted it.”

“Because she wants to see the party without being in the way… There’s about a dozen cameras at my office. We’ll grab those and let everyone know to take as many pictures as they want.”

“I’ll end up with a hundred pictures of people and a thousand pictures of asses.”

“The beauty of digital is that it doesn’t cost anything to find that out… What’s left?”

He shrugged. “The package of party favors is due tomorrow… I think everything is taken care of.”

“Good. Get on the phone with the catering assholes so they can’t whine about not having any notice… And pay attention to the time. If Chloe gets here and you’re fresh from the shower, it’ll make you look high maintenance.”

He nodded and grabbed his cell from the desk that he’d all but taken over… I’d been dismissed.

**

As soon as I turned, leaving the office, I stopped dead in my tracks.

If I hadn’t, Sookie would have been bowled over. All she did was gaze up at me without giving me much by way of a hint to her mood.

I whispered, “Uh oh?”

As soon as I said it, a wide smile spread over her lips and she shook her head.

“How much did you hear?”

“I followed you out of the den.” Fuck. All of it?

I didn’t budge. In spite of the need to whisper because we were just outside the door to the office, I was suspended while I reran the conversation I’d just had through my mind. “Comments? Concerns?”

She shook her head, still smiling.

“I passed?”

She snickered quietly. “You did great. You’re a natural.”

“Really?”

She put her arms around my sides to hug me. “You could’ve tried harder to sell him on waiting until I die though.”