It Can’t Be
When the kid came to my door 4 Saturdays ago to offer his services as a lawn boy I almost told him ‘thanks anyway’. I already had a landscaping company taking care of my yard, but who was I to ignore that the boy had somehow ignored the rest of his generation to show some motivation? Since Paolo’s crew did their jobs on Monday’s, paying the boy’s asking price of $50 so that he could mow the lawn and pull weeds on Saturday mornings wouldn’t hurt.
His mother told him she’d match him dollar for dollar to help buy a car when he gets his driver’s license next December. He joked that he had every intention of ‘making it hurt’.
I had to respect the ‘little’ captain of industry for showing some initiative… He was working through his summer off even though he was only in town visiting his uncle. He said that he would’ve gotten a job in fast food if he wasn’t worried about getting fat. He told me, ‘bitches love the V.’ I couldn’t argue with that.
And I had to respect his mother for not giving him whatever he wanted on a silver platter. My neighbor could’ve taken a cue from her. Bill’s 24 year old daughter fancied herself quite the party girl. Lorena had wrecked 4 cars and never had a job that I’d known of. She spent her days texting by their pool and her nights clubbing. Except for Saturdays… of late, Lorena had been amusing herself bright and early.
Specifically, that bitch loved the V of a 15 year old boy. The most amusing part of the scenario was that said boy didn’t spare a look in her direction even though she made sure to wear the most scandalous ‘clothing’ imaginable to flaunt her over tanned wares.
As though waking up to the deafening noise of a lawnmower was my idea of a fabulous Saturday morning, there was an added bonus of my doorbell being rung. It was probably one of my neighbors wanting to complain.
When I sat up, hoping the persistent fuck at my door would give up before I left my room, I noticed a note on my nightstand.
‘Thanks for last night. BTW, my name is Yvetta. Call me.’ Notes like that were why there were trash cans.
The note went into the circular file along with ‘completely, innocently forgotten panties’ that had been left in the middle of my bedroom floor.
I turned on my TV and switched to the input for my security cameras. The back yard: My lawn boy being watched by his stalker. The front stoop: Lucky me. Bill Compton.
I found a pair of jeans and a T-shirt and dressed on my way to answer the doorbell.
“What took you so long to answer the door?”
“I was hoping you’d leave.”
His laugh was bogus. It was the laugh he usually dropped when he didn’t know if I was insulting him or joking around. I was usually insulting him.
“What do you want?”
“To invite you to a garden party. I have business associates who mentioned some projects they were entertaining. I thought introductions would be advantageous.” Somewhere along the road he’d traveled, he became certain that people actually spoke like they were trapped in a civil war reenactment.
“A networking cookout?”
“No. There will be a distinct lack of flip-flops and processed meat.”
“Bill, you are aware that most people don’t consider those things poisons, right?”
“We’ll be serving cocktails and tapas.”
“Booze and finger food. An ounce of pretention is worth a pound of bullshit, you know.”
He rolled his eyes dismissively like he was dealing with the help. It only proved my point. “I’m wholly envious that you have extra assistance with your grounds. Do you think he’d like to earn some additional money this weekend? With the torrential rain last week, my Kentucky bluegrass has run amuck.” Why he couldn’t just say, ‘do you mind if I offer your lawn jockey some side work to clean up for my party?’ was beyond me.
“Why ask me? Go ask him.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?”
“He isn’t a slave.”
“Perhaps a skeleton…” Here we go. Another ‘joke’. “…Seriously Eric, I wouldn’t think any less of you if you admit it. He’s here on weekends, tall for his age, blond… he looks like he could be your clone. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it must be visitation.”
“Bill. He’s not my kid. I’ve never even been to Jackson.”
He started laughing again, but this time he was actually amused. “You asked where he hailed from?”
“Because you’re an asshole… yes.”
“Did you ask how he ended up with the moniker of Eric too?”
I growled at him. “His mother just liked the name… When is your cookout?”
“He’s even built like you.”
“Your party, Compton. When?”
“I’m only joking, Eric… What’s his last name?”
“I don’t know. I pay him in ca… Goddammit…” I closed the door in his face. I didn’t want to go to his damn snob parade anyway. I sure as hell wasn’t going to stand there and let Compton accuse me of fathering every blond in the fucking area code.
Since the universe was working against me and my plans to sleep in after a long night of debauchery, I went to my office to make some calls.
I’d been working for a while before I got to my email. Business. Business. Business. Family reunion, thanks anyway cousin Pam. Business. Spam. Spam. Classmates.com… 3 new classmates…
Just like always, I was baited to click the link.
Just like always, I was disappointed.
There was only one ‘classmate’ I was interested in ‘reconnecting’ with. Just the one. I had one hell of a list of questions for her if she ever did let me find her. Every time I typed ‘Sookie’ or ‘Sookie Belle’ into a search engine I was given hillbilly porn links. ‘Sookie Stackhouse’ always, without fail, unwaveringly returned ‘0 results’.
And as usual, I lost an hour looking for her with no luck.
I made myself easily found in the hopes that she might look for me. Entering ‘Eric Northman’ gave Google a run for its money.
I was actually grateful for the doorbell when it rang again. If it hadn’t been for the interruption, I wouldn’t have realized that I was being pathetic again.
I’d be able to get back to work once I was done with FedEx or the paperboy or whoever was at the door.
When I opened the door, the tiny blonde gave me a puzzling look. I found myself trying to place her face, figure out if she was another ‘Yvetta’, maybe a neighbor.
“Can I help you?”
She blinked a few times like she was confused. “Um… Yeah… I uh…”
“Ma’am, actual words would be helpful.”
“I’m… My nephew… He… I…” If she couldn’t do any better than that, I was surprised she could drive the truck parked on my curb.
“You’re Eric’s Aunt?”
“Yeah and you’re…”
She was interrupted when Eric came from the back yard. “Aunt Crystal, I left you a voicemail. I’m staying late.”
“I… I didn’t…” She reached into the pocket of her shorts and pulled out her phone. “I didn’t get a message. I’m sorry, Eric…” I couldn’t help but wonder if she always looked surprised. She stood there staring at Eric like he’d sprouted another head.
“I’ll call you when I’m done. Alright?”
“I’m not sure… I… I think we need to… Eric, we should go.”
“Don’t be like that. His neighbor offered me bank to get his yard ready for a cookout…”
I jokingly corrected, “Garden party.”
He smirked. “Tell me about it… Anyway, I have a couple hours of work to do.”
Something about the way he smirked made Crystal’s eyes ping pong back and forth between us. Her name wasn’t helping me figure out how I might know her… so maybe a teller at my bank, a secretarial temp, crockery store, waitress… “No. We should go…”
I offered, “I can give him a ride home when he’s done. It’s not a problem.” The few exchanges we’d shared hadn’t annoyed me. The kid wasn’t as mouthy as most teens I’d been around. Giving him a ride to the other end of the neighborhood wouldn’t be a big deal.
She shook her head. “No, I think he’s going to need to talk to…”
He interrupted. “It’s fine…”
“No. It’s. Not. She’s going to kill us. And no one will find our bodies.”
“Aunt Crystal. Go home. I’ll call you when I’m done.” He was clearly getting agitated.
She gave him an angry look. “If I leave here without you, I’m sending Jason to pick you up. How about that?”
While the two of them argued about whatever the subtext was, I stood witness and felt my air conditioning spill out of my house into the late June humidity.
I decided to break into the awkward silence just because I could. It was my yard they’d turned into their battlegrounds. “Crystal?”
“Mind if I ask how I know you? You look familiar, but I’m not sure why.”
Eric groaned from his spot in my yard.
She shot daggers at the boy. “Eric, it could be because you were at my wedding.”
I stared at her for a minute. Picturing her in white wasn’t helping. I went to too many weddings out of obligation. “Could you be more specific? When was it?”
“17 years ago.”
17 years… 17 years ago I was 20. When I was 20, I was majoring in Architecture, bouncing at Rafters… I probably went to 30 weddings between sophomore and senior year. It was all a fucking blur. “Who did you marry? Maybe that’ll help.”
“I married Jason Stackhouse.”
“You married Jason Stackhouse.”
“Uncle Jason and Aunt Crystal Stackhouse.”
“Eric’s last name is…”
“His mother is…”
“In big fucking trouble.”
You big meanie!! You leave us with that ?!?!? Please continue soon, I loved your introduction so far.
Holy Hell! I love it! Don’t be biting your nails, it’s great!
Ooh, what happened between Sookie and Eric that he doesn’t know where she is?
I’m looking forward to more! 🙂
i’m hooked!! this looks to be promising!!
Looks great a great start. I can see where this is going. 😉
Oops…looks like a great start…lol
OMG….so HOOKED!!!!! I hope you update soon but I love Meanwhile too. I really love your writing.
Long time lurker/reader. First time reviewer. I wrote a story that no one reviewed (well, technically 3 people did). I figure it’s karma. So I’m trying harder.
So, I like the “foundation” of your new story. And I’m glad you’ve got a new tale to tell. I love your Eric, and this one seems to be no exception. Both Erics I should say. Hoping we get to know the son?
I love your writing and adore your sense of humor. I never leave your writings without a smile ( a huge cheesy smile) on my face. My husband thinks I may be a taco short of a combination plate (aka crazy) because of this. Keep up the super awesome work.
YAY NEW STORY!!!
it was great and I’m already waiting for the next update
I LOVE IT! How could he not see the resemblance if his next door douche of a neighbor spotted it right away? Oh boy…
More purty please. 🙂
I just want to know – how do you find the time? – I love how your Bill’s are always dicks I have never liked him. The ending to this chapt had me smiling which usually means i am going to like what follows. Keep up the great writing and hope to see more soon.
Great start, can’t wait for more! I am VERY sorry to hear Meanwhile is coming to a close, pouts… Sad panda
I love it. that small teaser has me hooked at the possibilities of where this could go. I don’t normally go for A/H E/S stories but i’ve read all of yours so far and am eagerly awaiting updates on them.
No way! Now I’m hooked to another story of yours.
Well, I’m hooked. Eric was hoping to find Sookie. He won’t have to wait for classmates or google to help him out anymore. I look forward to reading this one.
Damn your teasers. You so must continue.
Great teaser. Love how Eric was just looking for Sookie while their son is mowing the yard. Can’t wait for more.
Wow – will this be just E/S or will other friends (as opposed to douches) be making appearances?
Not that it matters – I’ll love every minute of reading it either way – even though I can taste the angst.
okies. excited about your new story!
This has serious potential to be cute. I’ve liked most of your other stories so I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes.
I can’t believe meanwhile is finishing. It’s too soon!! However love this new story, bill is the perfect ass and Eric is amazing and he just found Sookie!! Aww
Ooh, the anticipation… haughty neighbors… cousins who plan family reunions… long lost lovers and illegitimate children! Oh my, this one looks to be another fun one!
I love it already. I’m looking forward to more.
so excited for more! i love you stories.
-Speechless- Please update soon…. so maybe my words will return to me….
OMG!!! I totally loved this and can’t wait for me… what can I say… I’m addicted to “V” 🙂
I’m liking this so far… Eric and Sookie have a child! Why does Eric not know about him? And why wasn’t he able to find her? I’m curious to know what happened that broke them up in the first place. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Yay! Another story! Definitely intrigued.
BAhahahaha! Fabulous! Very very much looking forward to the continuation of this one 😀 xo
OMG! Weddings and one-night stands! Big Eric, Little Eric and Sookie. How Little Eric has??? changed? grown? evolved? developed? cloned?
Love it! Looking forward to more, but I gotta know. Are you not finishing Dead Tired, or Dead Sexy?
L&D will continue once AIW is caught up.
YEAH! I have been waiting for L&D. So glad you will pick that one up.
Wow I’m so excited. I can’t wait to find out what happened between Sookie and Eric.
This one looks great. As much as I hate for the others to come to a close, I’m glad to see something new.
very good love all your stories. still looking for update with dead sexy too
You are the best fanfic writer ever!!!! Hook…. Line… & Sinker…. I look forward to more….
You bitch!!!! I love you though. I can’t wait to see what’s going to ome of this. What are the olds, or was it a set up?? You Rock!!!
Nice! I’m sure you’ve got lots of goodies in store for us. Now, leave those nails alone! Don’t want anything to keep you from typing!!! Thanks!
I swear I’m so your bitch. Mistress, how may I serve you?
Love, love, love it.
Eric when a teenager that looks like your doppleganger comes ’round and you’ve had 20 yrs give or take of indiscriminate fucking under your belt… You may want to consider their maybe something to Bill’s theory. I know it’s Bill but he DOES have a point.
Seems Bill is not as clueless as Big Eric thought since he clearly pegged the family relation. Bet Eric is wishing he had asked for that last name now! I’m curious about why Sookie left and how much Eric Jr knows that he found him and went to work for him without disclosing who he is. Come back with updates soon!
P.S. This has been a great Friday with all your fabulous updates! Any hopes that Saturday will be as good?
I can see you having fun with this. Go go I want more.
I guess I’ll be the lone voice of dessent. While I love it already and look forward to the whole story, I beg of you please finish the other stories you have going before you start posting It Can’t Be. There is nothing more frustrating than waiting for a new chapter to a story and having to wait and wait because chapters to another story are being posted. There is always the fear that the first story will get put by the wayside and never finished.
I see you’re finishing up Meanwhile and Alcide in Wonderland, are you going to continue Life and Death and is the going to be a “companion” story to it from Alcide’s point of view again. Just love the Alcide/Hadley pairing and would like to see more after AIW and LAD are finished.
This is absolutely fabulous! I cannot wait until you post the next chapter!!
OMG, two Eric’s! I can’t wait to find out what happened between Sookie and Eric.
I loved the last line so much I startled my husband because I laughed out loud.
goddamnit woman! how could you give us that tiny, juicy nibble…and then just leave us hanging?! grant it, yes you did warn us but still. haha PLEASE tell me chapter 1 will be up tomorrow? btw is 40+ reviews enough of a ‘please sir, may i have some more?’ or do ya think you need more 😉
great job and i can’t wait to find out more….i’m already at the end of my seat waitng 😀
Well I see the creative juices are abundtly overflowing again. I am so glad. I love all your stories and this one promises to be a great one.
of course you’d leave us on the edge of our seats with what has the possibility of being one of your best…
I’m super stoked for this story. ‘Specially loved that last little exchange between Crystal and Eric.
ohh i like it please continue…. so Eric has a doppleganger and hmmm can it really be his son??? oh Crystal is so nervous about the whole deal…. whod of thunk that Eric would be working for his dad too funny…. you know he is … waiting for the next chapter….
Crap!!! The Douche was right this time?! Dammit! that said – OMG OMG OMG Next chapter super soon pretty please?
I am so excited! Is there more yet? …… How about now? …. Still not? … BUT I WANNNNA READ MOOOOOOORE!
Love the story!!!
oh hell yeah ……keep going with this one…… 🙂
A very intriguing teaser and two Erics! Looks like a winner!
Another stellar opening chapter to what I’m sure will give us all more reason to worship your talented mind. 🙂
I have, however, been praying to the literary gods for you to resume work on the infinite series. I’m eagerly awaiting Joe’s commeupance ands more fun at the pound. Those prescious kids have powers to explore while supernatural miscreants need policing…and of course a hot proper menage au quatre to fulfill our lustful and depraved curiosity…
Oh Holy Blue Balled Smurfs! You left us with that??!!! You had better be planning to continue this one toot suite! As in right now! LOVE the concept and NEED more!
Damnit! I’m already addicted to your posts, now I have another reason to drool!
The only issue with this chapter is that you stopped writing before I was done reading :-p I’m really excited to see where this goes 😀
omg this is going to be so good.
Shit!! Awesome story, as if you know how to write any other way! Waiting for the next installment!
Don’t end Meanwhile… huhuhu T_T
Love this new story. Thanks. Can’t wait for ur next update.
You’re the one whom got me addicted yo AH stories and I think I’m just starting to read a new favourite!
OMG!!! I love it! I can’t wait for more of this total awesomeness!
I’m usually not into AH stories but since it’s you writing I think I will make an exception. I am firmly in love with the Bored to Death and Meanwhile characters and hope you think of doing a sequel at some point but I love almost everything you write so keep the chapters coming please.
You manage to draw us all in every single time!!! Love it!
My Saturday morning started with your alert in my inbox,and with a new story none the less! You got a privileged creativity woman!
As for the story,of course I like it from the start.I could´t help comparing it (though I´m sure the plot will be entirely different) with another FF story,”Unknown protocol” from Drumjo.It´s already finished,and it was very fun to read.Go check it,it´s worth it.
This is going to be delicious..leave it to Bill to point out the obvious to Eric about the “lawn boy”..
I don’t know how you do, it I don’t have a writers bone in my body yet there you are writting awesome fics I wish I had your talent. Can’t woit to read more x
So great! I can’t believe you left it there! I hope to see more of this soon.
Loved the first chapter – a great tease, and really well written as usual. You’ve definitely got a resounding ‘yes’ for more of this.
‘big trouble’ doesn’t seem to cut it….
just love it. i wish i could not love just one of your stories. i am hooked on all of them. this one looks like it will be stealing sleep from me too. thank you for writing.
Booyah! Nice start, you genius 🙂 Perhaps he just DID father this blond?!
I love it so far!! Can’t wait for more!!
Oh I’m HOOKED I can’t believe you left your readers hangin like that LOL:) I can’t wait to read more it looks like Bill’s assumptions might be right???
Cant wait to read more.
Brilliant punch line lol!! Looks like it s gonna be great
Wow. You’re like my crack dealer. I can’t not read anything you write. I hope that makes sense. I can not wait to read more of this.
You certainly know how to set up a premise and leave us hooked and wanting more.
I’m already salivating in anticipation of all the drama. Oh, and Bill gets lamer with each one of your stories. Could you throw the clueless douche a bone, like, maybe, give him one tiny redeeming quality? No? Fine, never mind.
OMG…….hooked on the teaser chapter. How do you do it! Love it can’t wait for more.
really??? did you really just leave it there….
please post more soon
You left it there?!?
Good gawd woman do you have no respect for my poor nails?? My local nail salon is making a fortune from you via my having the need to chew the acrylics to the nubs!!!
Looks like an awesome start to another terrific story! However I am devastated to think that Meanwhile is soon to be ending. Vampire Eric needs love too!
fucking fabulous. what a begining.
my addiction to your stories just expanded, I’ll never have a cure. Guess I’ll just have to opt to immerse myself, love it, can’t wait for more, and of course I’ll be so glad to see more of L&D.
Awesome! I love it, and can’t wait for more. I am really starting to love the AH Eric POV stories, and yours is already captivating!
More More More
Love it! More literary crack for me…. it is inevitable that I get addicted to all of your stories.
Oh jeez, Sookie is going to be fucking furious when she finds out what they have been up to ! She has kept him secret all this time only for it all to come out anyway ! I expect Eric Snr is going to be pretty pissed too, discovering a son he didnt know about… It is his son, isnt it ? Course it is. So Eric Jnr set this up, checking out the old man in secret ? Good move.
And of course Bill is a douche, isn’t he always 🙂
Loving it so far, thanks !
Awesome!!! Need more! I can’t wait to read more. This was great, but it is such a tease!!!
*SQUEEEEE* Oh this is going to be so much fun:) Like like like! More more more?
Another great start to what I’m sure will be a fabulous story! I can’t wait to read more!
I love the start of the story. I am so happy to see the new story. I hope there is a bunch of the story written. I can’t get my fill. Eric meet Eric what are the odds. He is looking for her and their son is mowing the lawn. LOL to good. Where do you get all the wonderful ideas. LOVE IT.
Of course I want more … I’m no fool. I always want more.
Can’t wait to read whatever you post next. Thanks for sharing your time and talent with us!
Love love love it! I can’t wait for more – really you are amazing.
damn!!!!!!!!!!!! more please!!!!!!!!
Well lord love a duck. LOL. That kid is gonna die & poor Eric. OMG, I could just see the look on his face. Great start.
Oh my gosh!!!! Great beginning! I’m so incredibly hooked! I seem to get lost in all your stories, you’re such an amazing writer!!!
I can tell I’m going to be hooked! Love it!
Oh. I. FUCKING LOVE IT!!!
I love your comment !!!
Sounds like there is some history we need to find out about.
This is going to be SWEET! Can’t wait!
ok. i saw it was all human and thought, hhhmmmmm do I or don’t I? Usually I don’t read all human, but since it was you writing I thought I’d give it a go….well I shouldn’t be shocked that it’s a great teaser of a first chapter. I’ll be reading on 🙂
I hope meanwhile gets the completed stamp. Unfinished stories are a bit like a bonk without a happy ending 😉 I’m off to read the FAQ’s you’ve posted. thanks again. x
You’re too much!
Ahhh! Another one you’ve hooked me into! Love it & since you’re an updating fool (who – love BTW!) I’m off to read the next chappie already! 😉
Think it’s safe to stop biting your nails now 🙂 I can’t imagine anyone is any less hooked right now than I am.
I don’t know how you find the time but I’m so very grateful you do.
I told myself I wouldn’t start reading anymore fics until I finished the ones I was already reading, but I couldn’t help but be curious with your epic fast updating. Quite frankly, you had me at “bitches love the V,” which marked the first of numerous laughs in a story that also promises to be interesting. Very intriguing start, but you knew that already. -insert additional ego stroking here- I suck at commenting, but you deserve the praise.
It’s usually hard for me to get into A/H stories, but after an opening chapter like that, how could I not!
First time I have been to your wordpress and have only read your stuff on FF. Glad I looked after reading about you from fang_readers! Liking this story already!
wow, I was up early and decided to quench my curiosity in regards to your writing. It was a treat and I will definitely read on.
LOL… I knew the boy was going to end up being Eric’s as soon as Bill started Punking him… can’t wait to see what you got this time around 🙂
Okay!!! I have to laugh cause I know I guy this happened to. His daughter was 14 when she showed up on his door step. He said he had no clue about the kid before hand. In fact, the daughter found out that her mom’s husband was not her dad when her mom got divorced. Crazy!
Can I beg to know how this will end?… pretty please- I’ve reread it so much already. Luv luv luv ICB.
oh damn i forgot how they met, lol, love it KY